All I see is masks hiding the reality of the situation. Masks of confidance, of joy and happiness, of Buddha, masks of complacency of alcohol, of sex, of “I don’t care what you think of me.” But every so often you get a glimps behind the mask. You see the reality that is pain, hopelessness, a lack of self esteem, a broken heart, a lonely heart, sadness, guilt.
Then I stop and I find myself putting on my own mask of joy and happiness, hiding the anger and sadness I actually feel. Trying not to feel the pain I am feeling so that I can portray the love and joy of God that I know and believe is real, but it’s so hard not to just cry for them. At the same time it’s so hard to not shut yourself down, to become almost hardend orcomplacient in an attempt to not feel that pain and anger and then feeling guilty because you find yourself in this place of not really feeling anything.
After much praying over this, I have realized that it is better for me to be walking down those streets crying and broken for the girls I see than it is to walk down them hardened to everything, trying to protect my own heart. You see I have God, so when my heart gets broken I know God will walk through that brokeness with me. These girls don’t have the peace and comfort of knowing that there is a God who will hold their hand and comfort them in their brokeness . As much as I know God can be angry at the situation, I also know his heart is breaking for the girls hiding behind the masks, and he’s not hardened to whats there. And if I’m to be more like God, to be the hands and feet of God, I need to be ok to be broken for what breaks him, I need to tell these girls that there is a God who loves them unconditionally and can heal their brokeness.
I’m exhausted. I am fighting a battle and I WILL NOT BE DEFETED! This battle has already been won by Godwhen Jesus on the cross said “it is finished.”So even thoughI have gone through so many emotions during my time here in Phuket Thailand, all related somehow to our ministry to the prostitutes. I can walk in victory knowing that our God reigns, and justice is his.
