Things have been slipping. You probably didn’t know it, but I am a storyteller and am required to write four blogs a month. You probably didn’t know it, but I’m a treasurer and keep tabs on all of my team’s finances. You probably didn’t know it, but I’ve been struggling with loneliness and anxiety. You probably didn’t know it, but I’ve never been away from home this long, and it’s starting to take a toll.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I’m going, only where I’ve been, and this is nothing like that. Home is miles away, and I’m becoming a stranger to those who have loved me the most. My squad is closer than ever, but I’m still a stranger here. So I stand in the gap between here and home, wondering when things will come together, and honestly how they’ll ever make any sense.
So I’m waiting. Waiting for the Lord to start picking up the pieces of my heart that I asked him to break. Don’t ever ask the Lord to break your heart unless you’re ready for the pain that comes along with reorganizing your soul. I asked Him to do this, so I’m asking Him to take away the regret of my request. I told Him that I was done with who I was, but I didn’t realize that meant spiritual attack and heartache from the enemy during the process. All I can really do is crawl into the arms of my Savior and wait.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.”
Lamentations 3:22-26
But while I’m waiting, I don’t stay still. I’ve been drawing and painting a lot these past few months. I’m learning guitar again. Some of my team has started working out a few times a week, so I’m joining in. Erin and I are running every day in hopes of reaching a half marathon by final debrief.
While I wait, I’m making changes.
I’m not letting the enemy steal my joy.
There are times when my heart falls, when I wonder what God is doing; often I don’t receive and answer, but He fills me up so I can keep going.
So I’ll keep running for Him, because He’s all I want.
