When the fear couldn’t hold me down anymore, I realized that it had blinded me to everything that I really am. Living to please others and never speak for myself has left me with basically nothing to grasp of my own identity. Oh yeah, Jesus and I decided that fear isn’t the ruler of my life anymore. More about that another time.
So fear has been a big deal in my life for a long time, and consequently satan has used it to suppress my life and being. Pleasing people to keep the peace or make others like me has been a struggle since childhood. I love to see other people happy and have their needs met, but I don’t know how to balance that with my own needs, so I keep myself out of the picture altogether. Because of that and the fear of looking needy or selfish, I’ve let others be first and even tell me what I want or need or desire. I lost myself. Do you know how terrifying it is to not know who you are? And how freeing it is to know that there’s now all this room for Jesus to pour into me?
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18, 23-24
My Father knows everything about me; everything that I was, am and will be. He knew me before the foundations of the earth were made, and he understands me better than anyone could, even myself. With all of this unknown space inside, all that can fill it up is him. I want so badly to know how he sees me, how I am made in his image, and where we will go together in this life. Here’s to a life of adventure with my sweet Father.
PS: I wrote this blog about a week ago, but two days ago I got a note from my team leader. It said that sweet Father is ready to write my story with me, I just have to pick up the pen. So let’s go.
