I have been trying all week to blog about training camp. I shared
with you a snapshot about it, but I wanted to give you the full
experience, but the words just would not come. So much happened over
those 10 days that it is hard to put into words, but I am going to try.
The
first day I met some of the world racers at the airport. As I was
walking up I suddenly go this urge to run. For those that don’t know
me well, I hate to walk into a group of people and not know anyone. I
think it was at that moment that I lost me. The woman I have come to
love and feel completely comfortable with sort of just vanished and I
was overcome with fear. What if I don’t get to know anyone? What if
they don’t like me? What if I don’t connect with anyone? Those fears
stayed with me for most of the trip. When we got to the camp we met
the rest of the world racers. I was so overwhelmed by meeting 54 new
people, plus AIM staff. I am one of those people who likes small
groups of about 5 or less. I did not know how to go into a group this
large and actually try and get to know everyone. I also felt this
pressure to get to know everyone because I was going to spend the next
11 months with them. I just felt so awkward and shy and nervous which
is just not a good combination for me to be myself in. So I spent a
lot of time say and doing things and thinking, that’s not me. Don’t
get me wrong, there were times when I cam through usually one on one or
late at night when we would sit around in small groups and chat. So
that was kind of where my head was as camp was starting off.
We
began with several sessions with Dr. Ron Walborn, Dean of Nyack
College. The training sessions topics included info on worldviews, the
Holy Spirit’s role in our lives, developing intimacy, honesty, breaking
religiouisty, dealing with shame and guilt, and so much more. For me
most of this information was not new and I even have taught it to those
I have counseled. God gave me a big dose of why aren’t you practicing
what you preach during these sessions. These sessions opened us up to
begin allowing God to bring healing to our wounds so that we will be
whole beings to serve others.
The worship services at night were some of my favorite times. It was
only one or two people up front singing with a guitar, but it was
powerful and transforming. I have not felt that kind of freedom in
worship since I was at Church at the Foundry in England. It is so
amazing and different when you experience the Holy Spirit moving.
That Monday we women had a session for us where we had to empty our
emotional cup up so it will have room for the Holy Spirit to fill us up
with his awesomeness. We wrote on the cup things we needed healing
from and then as a group we tore up the cup into pieces and were rinsed
clean again. We were to meet with one of the leaders for prayer. I
was waiting for a certain person but it was not working out for me, so
the speaker from that day asked to pray with me. I shared with her my
fears and struggles and she just looked at me and said “You don’t love
yourself.” I just started crying when she said that. I thought that I
had completely dealt with this. I did love me, but it was not
something I was truly living which is why I lost me when I got to
camp. She made me say I love me several times and then prayed over
me. It was so refreshing. It was one of those things that was head
knowledge but had not fully embraced. 
After this experience we headed to Unicoi State Park to camp. This was
the best time of the week for me. This is where I did the cross walk
with my log. This is where God completely emptied me and freed me. It
was such a beautiful place that I could see God’s work in everything.
Once back at AIM we had a service with Michael Hines and he spoke about
gushing. Gushing from the over flow of the Holy Spirit in us. This
was an incredible night where God who had completely emptied me filled
me up with his Spirit. There was boldness in me I had never felt
before. God had given me words to speak that night. For the first
time I was no longer hanging in a hole of darkness gripping on Jesus’
arm, but I was now standing firmly next to him and the hole was closed
forever. I believe that God has healed me from my depression I have
suffered from for several years. It was a powerful image that was not
just for me but for those on my squad.
The next day or so was
focused on forming our teams. We did lots of team building exercises
and asked what we thought of the other racers. This was a struggle for
me. I did not feel like I knew many people and could not really answer
the questions well. I do know that God placed me on the team he wanted
me on. God revealed to me during my time at camp why I have always
been untrusting of women and he plans to grow me in that area by
placing me on an all women team.
That was somewhat of an
overview of training camp. There is so much that happened that I can
not even put into words to explain. As for finding the me I do love, I
found her right after I got off that plane in Orlando. That was when I
realized that I had lost her at training camp, but desperately wanted
to be me and to never lose that again. It is wonderful when you feel
comfortable in your own skin and I will be that way when I leave for
the Dominican Republic in January.
Here is a slideshow that one of my squadmates created about training camp. Thanks Steph
