This past weekend I graduated from Marian University with a B.S. Marketing and graphic design and I have been very retrospective.
The next few paragraphs are going to be very human…
I question God. I’m not the cookie cuter example of a Christian. I have regrets from my past. I think some songs on Christian radio are annoying. I don’t always wake up on Mondays thanking God for the opportunity to be alive. Sometimes I complain. Sometimes I get angry. I can be impatient, high maintenance and dramatic. I get overwhelmed and don’t ask for help. I’m stubborn, but I like to think I’m the good kind of stubborn. Like the resilient to challenges, challenging societal norms, not taking no for answer type of stubborn. The type of stubborn that survives. The stubborn that’s actually kind of endearing. I also I like to think I can do things with out God’s help. The past 4 years I lived thinking I could be an independent woman who didn’t need help. From anyone. That is a very hard way to live.
Within the last few months I finally realized what it looks like to ask for help. Further more I learned to treat myself with grace and forgiveness. Living a life weighted down by regret, shame, and unforgiveness is a heavy burden. Searching for love in external outlets such as partying, alcohol, relationships, and work is tough stuff to deal with. The moment I let Shannan forgive Shannan for all of her past mistakes is the moment I become the real Shannan. In that moment I was able to learn and derive wisdom from all my experience positive and negative rather than living in the shadow of my past. When I let myself move forward with the woman God wanted me to be I was able accept His Grace and forgiveness. That blossoming is what God was yearning for as he stood by me as I journeyed through this Maze of Secularity.
Yes, I have flaws. Yes, I have weaknesses. Yes, I have a “testimony”. Yes, I am broken and imperfect. And, yes, I have strengths. Yes, I have gifts. Yes, I can make a difference. Yes, I can provide a unique perspective to missions. BUT my strengths outweigh my weaknesses. I am blessed with many unique strengths -the ability to connect with people, a creative flair, the ability to see the big picture and to follow through to the end, the ability to lead, the spirit of humor and love to make people smile, and the ability to just love people and do my best to validate experiences.
The past 2 weeks I have been a bit MIA because I needed to take some time to digest all of the change in my life. BOOM I graduated college. BOOM I’m not going to get a job but become a missionary. BOOM I’m leaving America with a backpack. BOOM Training Camp is in 7 days. BOOM this is real life. BOOM I’m going to 11 countries in 11 months and sleeping on a 2.5″ thick blow up sleeping pad…
So now I have the opportunity to make the conscious decision to 1. Live in fear. Ya know, be afraid of fundraising $16K and large foreign bugs. Scared of letting complete strangers get to know the real Shannan and not have a Netflix account to come home to every night. OR I could 2. Trust in God – go into this mission trip with an open heart. Act as God’s hands and feet. Make lifelong bonds with who are now complete strangers. I can trust that God will provide $16K. Trust that I won’t need to binge watch Grey’s Anatomy because I will be busy with all of utterly breath taking views He created and will bless me with.
I choose #2. I choose adventure. I choose God’s plan. I choose to be the right kind of stubborn.
See you July Albania!
SK
