Left unchecked an orphan heart can grow into a stronghold of oppression- a habit structure of thinking or fortress of thought that is so deeply entrenched that only a profound experiential revelation of Father God’s love can displace it. Often time we hear people say, I just can’t get it. I’ve had countless hours of counseling/mentoring, prayers for healing, and deliverance; and I still cannot get free of fear and insecurity in my relationships. I was one of those people. I couldn’t identify why my relationships only went so far before they crumbled or before I ran. Ideally we as children should all feel as if we have a home in our parents heart. The house doesn’t make a home it’s the relationships within the house that makes it feel like home. A home should be filled with love, comfort, and affirmation but what happens if we run to a parent to meet those needs only to be hurt or rejected? So then what? First and for most we must acknowledge that THERE ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS. It’s possible your parents never meant to hurt you! Perceived rejection can be just as damaging to a child (or an adult) as intended rejection. Left unhealed or resolved, the wound can set into motion a orphan heart a 12-step progression that eventually manifests as a stronghold of oppression powerful enough to handicap a person for years emotionally and which prevents them from cultivating healthy loving and caring relationships.
We begin to focus on the faults we see in parental authority.
Jack Frost gave this example: His 5 yr old daughter came running and leaped knees first into his lap. And because of his instinctive defensive mechanism he threw her into another seat away from him. He did not intentionally mean to hurt her but her heart perceived it as rejection. He no longer was the wonderful daddy that could do no wrong in her eyes. She opened her heart up to him in child-like innocence but felt bruised and tossed aside. As a result she closed her heart to him. A part of her heart became shut off to him because of the disappointment inside her. It was a self-defense mechanism so her heart wouldn’t be hurt again. Our true personality is revealed in our family relationships. We can wear masks before the world, but home is where the masks come off. Even as children we notice the faults of our parents. We see how they misrepresent the Father’s love to us and recognize the disappointments, broken promises, and inconsistency in behavior. And these flaws can look large in our eyes, leading to the next step.
We receive parental faults as disappointment, discouragement, grief, or rejection.
Jack’s daughter interpreted his monetary instinctive defense response as a personal rejection of her.
How, often, whether with children, spouse, siblings, co-workers, or our fellow believers at the church, do we through someone aside as a reaction of our own personal defense mechanism, leaving that person feeling wounded or rejected? We don’t mean to do it, but it happens. Most parents do not intentionally hurt their children. We do not intentionally misrepresent the love of God. But we can give to others only what has been given to us. How can you ever be a father if you have never felt like a son? Some times when in a home where there is no nurturing, tenderness, warmth, affection, comfort, or protection we grow up feeling like a servant instead of a son. Because we can only give what has been given to us; is it any surprise that what people receive from us is woundedness and rejection. They don’t feel safe trusting which brings us to step three.
We lose basic trust in parental authority.
Once disappointed,, rejected, or otherwise wounded by a parent, we close off a part of our heart to keep it from being hurt again. A wall goes up. A certain degree of basic trust was lost. Trust and basic trust are two different things. If I walk by you and accidentally step on your foot with my size 15 shoe and say, Oh, I’m sorry, please forgive me, you may still trust me as a person. But next time I walk close by, you will make sure you withdraw your foot so it doesn’t get tramped upon. You trust me as a person, but because of your past experience of pain inflicted by me, you fear the same hurt may happen again. So you withdraw a part of yourself- the part that was injured before because a measure of your basic trust was lost. That’s hat happened to Jack’s daughter, she still trusted him as her father to love her, take care of her, and provide for her needs. She trusted him on a surface relationship, safe conversations, and the like, but she no longer trusted him when it came to matters of intimacy and deep personal communication. Because Jack had hurt her deeply in that area, she did not trust him with her heart or her deep feelings. When we discuss basic trust we are not talking about the ability to believe or trust another person, but the capacity to hold your heart open to another person, especially if you believe his or her motives or intentions are questionable. Basic trust is the ability to risk being real and vulnerable, to keep your heart open even when it hurts rather than close off your spirit. At the center of basic trust is an issue of you and God. Basic trust is when you are able to move beyond the weakness in others and receive God’s healing touch, one moment at a time, and not run away; to retreat into His loving embrace and enter the place of sonship, even when someone close to you may be misrepresenting the Father’s love to you.. It is taking on the spirit of Christ, a meek and gentle heart, and entering into Father’s rest, while casting all your cares upon Him. Loss of basic trust leads to the fourth step toward oppression.
We move into a fear of receiving love, comfort, and admonition from others.
Once basic trust is lost, it becomes difficult to receive from others because we are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable. So when the inevitable crisis comes, our response is to just suck it up outwardly and take care of everything ourselves because we don’t trust anyone else or believe there will be someone to comfort us. With an orphan heart, you often feel alone, especially in a crowd or during a time of crisis.
We develop a closed spirit.
Once we close our hearts to receiving love, we close our hearts to intimacy (in-to-me-see). We retreat into a closed spirit, isolating our heart from outside influence and from all but the most superficial or unhealthy emotional attachments. Intimacy is lost.
We take on an independent, self-reliant attitude.
A closed and isolated heart manifests itself with an attitude that says,If anything is going to get done around here, I’ll have to do it myself. Our insecurities and fears have shut our heart off from any meaningful relationships with others. Independence and self-reliance are often cherished and valued qualities in our culture. While they may seem to be important and useful in the political or business arenas, they are deadly in relationships, family, and community and can result in restlessness and disease because we are not able to cast all our cares upon Him. Instead, we carry them all ourselves, which leads to the next step.
We start controlling our relationships.
With an orphan heart, our independence and isolation are nothing more than issues of control. They may manifestas agitation or apathy. We limit our relationships and conversations to safe topics like news, sports, weather, ect. The fear of trusting, fear of rejection, and fear of intimacy prevent us from tackling deeper subjects and from allowing anyone to become more personal with us.
Our relationships become superficial.
With a closed heart,healthy relationships are very difficult. The three fears listed above unconsciously influence us to keep others at arm’s length emotionally. And we rarely realize that we are doing to them the very same thing we fear they will do to us; rejection.
We develop an ungodly belief that says no one will be there to meet our need.
That is the danger of an independent, self-reliant heart. Not only are we afraid to depend on someone else, but we also feel that no one values us enough to care for us. By closing our heart off to our parents we take on an independent, defiant, controlling, and rebellious attitude that hurts us as much as it hurts them. There is no sense of sonship (honor, respect, and interdependence), which leads to number 10.
We begin to live life like a spiritual orphan.
An orphan heart feels that it does not have a safe and secure place in a father’s heart where they feel loved, valued, and affirmed. We have no safe harbor, no refuge, no place of rest. Outside of our identity being in what we do, we really have nowhere to call home. We believe that we will have to argue, wrangle, and fight for anything we want to accomplish in life. With no place to call home, we start seeking love in all the wrong places.
We begin chasing after counterfeit affections.
Having shut ourselves off from genuine affections of family and friends we start looking for counterfeit affections- substitutes for the affections we left behind at home or never had. We were created for love and family; consequently, without them, we will find something to bond to as a replacement, even if it is unhealthy or destructive. Classified as the seven P’s: passion, possession, position, performance, people, place, and power. Passions of the flesh often take the form of various addictions: food, alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, escapism-whatever seems to comfort our lonely and insecure heart. Some people turn to possessions, thinking that somehow they will find their hearts rest through worldly gain. Still other seek position- the praise of man, seeking acceptance by striving to be seen or slaving away in an effort to to win the approval of others, especially of those who can advance our lot in life. Performance feels that there is something more you must do or put in order before you can find rest and feel good about yourself. People is a belief that a person or spouse is the answer to all your needs instead of making God’s love your primary source. Place is an ungodly belief that, If only I had a better job, I would be happy… if only I lived somewhere else.. if only I could run away and escape… Finally, power-seekers desire to control their own life and destiny, with little desire to be open or real and with little sense of need for anything from anybody. Control of emotions, people, or circumstances is their way of making sure they are never disappointed or hurt again. This, of course, is totally unrealistic. Counterfeit affections bring no true fulfillment and easily leads to the 12th and final step.
We begin daily battle a stronghold of oppression.
Having isolated ourselves from cultivating healthy relationships, we becometrapped in a cycle of seeking fulfillment in things that can never. Unable to receive love, acceptance, and admonition either from God or from others, life for us becomes an oppressive mix of tension, agitation, anger, bitterness, restlessness, and frustration that can eventually lead to deprression.
