I've been sitting here for almost an hour racking my brain to find something to say. I even typed out an almost complete post and deleted it because I didn't like it. But, I think I know what I wanna say.
I'm not sure I'm ready for all of this.
If I'm being completely transparent (which I usually try to be), I'm not certain that I could just hop on a plane tomorrow, head to the Phillippines and be cool with it. Pretty much everybody asks the standard question when they hear I'm going on the Race. "Are you excited?!" To which I always instinctively reply, "Yes!" But then I think about it. Maybe I'm the only one, but are there any other racers who have thought about how ridiculous this is? I'm not referring to your run-of-the-mill no toilet, weird food, dirty always, culture shock ridiculous either. I'm talking the being with the same people for 11 months ridiculous. The being drastically broken by God ridiculous. The other crazy things that'll happen that I have no idea about yet ridiculous.
Even on my squad (which is easily some of the most amazing group of people I've had the pleasure of being connected with) almost weekly someone posts something and then says how excited they are for the race. Everyone will agree, and we'll all be happy. But it always makes me think that I'm missing something. Maybe it's because I'm cautious in my thinking and decision making, but I feel a lot heavier about everything. The initial blog reading, application submitting, World Race accepting rush feels like its slowed down. Everyone is on fire, ready to go right NOW. And then I'm over here thinking "Wait, do you guys really KNOW what we signed up for? This is gonna be nuts."
I have moments every now and again where it all just hits me at once. I'll be driving and suddenly my stomach will drop and I'll re-realize every detail about what I've signed up for. It's like getting slapped in the face with a 20 pound dumbbell. It's a bit shocking. I think I've found the root of this issue, and a way that God is already helping fix it.
What is the root, you ask? Filthy, writhing, doubt. I think I'm a natural doubter. Whenever people ask who I most identify with in the Bible, I usually jump straight to Doubting Thomas. I feel like we would've understood each other perfectly. Simply put, I've been feeling like this is something I can't handle. James 1 talks about this:
"… because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
This is why doubt can be so dangerous. Is there anything worse than being so restless and worried that you can't even do anything? Ever tried to wade out into the ocean and do something productive? It won't work. That's how we are when we're full of doubt. Rolling in the waves, getting tossed around, never able to gain our footing. I guess that's kinda how I've been feeling. The terrible tendrils of doubt found an opening and have been creeping around for a bit now. But like I said earlier, God is in control and has been eradicating all that pesky doubt recently.
How? My squad. V Squad is incredible. I've never really realized the true importance of community until our squad really started getting to know one another. The guys of V squad (all 8 of us) have a message thread on Facebook that has already proved to be incredibly encouraging. We've talked about our struggles, how to pray for each other, and really gotten to know one another. One of the coolest things about the Race is that no matter how far away you are from your home, you always have that community with you. You always have God. No matter what. But having a group of people that will share your experiences completely and always be there with you is such a blessing. We've started video chatting recently (highly confusing when everyone talks at once, but ultimately pretty awesome), and the doubt keeps on flowing out. God put these exact people in my life for a reason. And that reason seems clearer and clearer each day. I'm already thanking God for V Squad.
Wanna join me on this journey? Pray for me. Pray for V squad overall. Heck, pray for everybody who is and will be going on the World Race. It certainly couldn't hurt! If you want to contribute more I still need quite a bit of money to reach my first deadline, and would love for you to partner with me financially! Click the "Support Me" tab on the left hand side of this page or you could send a check in the mail to avoid the online processing fee. Send all checks to:
Adventures in Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
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