Dedicated to Mom-Who never Left.
Mamma’s day is an interesting day for me because when I was 12 my mother passed away and is now in a deeper relationship with Holy Spirit. (Her name is Kathy but for the sake of this blog I’ll refer to her lovingly as mom). So this blog will take a little different turn than most of the mother’s day posts. I’m always amazed because as I get older, mom’s passing gains new meaning for my life and my relationship to her changes even now. I don’t really know what to say in regards to anything specific but this is more of a means of reflection. I guess it will unfold as we go further. I feel like I’ve hashed over her life, death and eternal life since the day she passed away 12 years ago. This is a new day and I’m a new man. It’s time to see where I am in this.
I will say this. I used to think that my life was defined by mom’s death. I thought that her dying and the circumstances that followed defined the way I saw myself and my relationship to other people. Many things resulted in it from me feeling lonely, angry and bitter at many people and many things. To be honest I was just plain pissed off. But in contrast, I was also very sad. Those two outside emotions created a deeper root of fear of rejection and abandonment. Some of it was simply being 13,14,15 etc…but there was some serious stuff going on that really didn’t get close to sorted out until my early 20’s (I guess I’m still in my early 20’s now that I think of it…). My perception was everyone was going to leave me at some point and they were going to do so sooner than expected.
Before mom passed on I remember being a very fearful child. I was afraid of a lot of things like riding a bike, roller coasters, thunder, and even the vacuum cleaner. I was also afraid of a life without her. I remember crying at boy scout camp the first night because mom wasn’t there. I’d go to friend’s houses and have to go home the same night because mom wasn’t around and I got home sick. She was the main person in my life at the time. So, when she passed on it was like the very wind to my sails and the rock to my foundation was gone. She was my encourager, best friend and the very root of my emotional stability. At the time I didn’t need anyone else, not even Jesus because at the time he hadn’t become real. Mom was real and mom loved me. To be frank she is a kick ass mom. I’m serious. She is amazing. She literally moved with a compassionate heart for others and for me. She loves me so much it hurts. We didn’t have as much money but I didn’t know it because everything was provided for. I remember her laugh to. It was contagious and genuine. For some reason I remember her making bad jokes that embarrassed me. Lame jokes are part of the package and she did a great job.
She also struggled with depression as part her response to her diabetes and literally being sick 24/7. She was just tired of feeling bad and it made her feel like less of a mom sometimes. I think that was one of the harder aspects of growing up for me and even one of the harder aspects of her being a single mom. It can be very lonely and even if you have a community, you can feel very isolated and overwhelmed. Much of how I think mom so herself was through how she took care of her son. Sometimes I would come home from school and see her crying in the chair and I didn’t know why. Then I would internally think it was my fault versus her response to a circumstance in her life. We were tied together so intricately that we fed off each other in intimate ways that no one else could see. We literally took on each other’s grief but in many more ways we took on each other’s joy.
I think if I was to say anything about mom, I just wish that she could have known just how beautiful a woman she was in this life. I wish she could have seen her self the way I saw her and more importantly how Jesus saw her. Self-consciousness and guilt steal joy and they were something I saw in her that tore her apart. But it was from her grief that I learned how to love. It allowed me to be sympathetic to the feelings of others at a very early age, and gave me a great opportunity to love her when she felt so alone. I had the opportunity as a young child to cheer her on and give her the inspiration to love the life that she had. Together, sometimes we simply forgot to see ourselves as beautiful.
I do want to wrap up this blog by saying that mom showed me what it meant to be compassionate and be moved with that heart. She loved people and their well being, many times at the expense of her own. She started an infant resource center for young, mostly single mothers who couldn’t afford clothing for their children. Mom spent much time at church, with young mothers and fathers. She is so cool. The last couple of years were her happiest I think. She found a purpose that Papa gave her and allowed her to share who she was with others. She then could understand that she wasn’t alone in her experience and she had a divine purpose for her life. What’s cool is she knew she could invite others to share in her destiny.
It can be understood why her death was such a powerful event in my life. For years I spent so much time trying to gain what I felt like I lost through other people. I tried to fill that hole in many ways. It wasn’t until my junior year of college that somehow her death gained a new perspective and it wasn’t until relationship with Jesus really did it happen. I realized mom made a simple transition to a closer intimacy with Papa. Through her death in fact, she became a larger part of my life than when she was alive.
When she went to dwell with Holy Spirit, she literally became part of Him and had a greater hand in how she interacted with me. So, instead of seeing her in the physical, she dwells with me in my heart as part of Papa’s greater presence. It’s interesting because she’s very distinct as a person and aware of herself as a daughter, yet a complete part of the great whole of God. So I understood, when I give a person a hug, she is also giving one. When I comfort someone, it is from her through Holy Spirit. When I love someone, she has a hand in that experience now. Instead of interacting with her in the physical, she is now part of the very experience I operate from in Holy Spirit.
This makes us closer than ever before, but this time there is nothing but joy and peace. What is cool is knowing is she never left me in the first place. She never abandoned me and neither did Papa. In fact God has given her the opportunity to be closer to me than ever before and to be part of the experience He has for me. The best thing however, is she is aware of how beautiful she is and how much I still love her. She did not fail because love never fails. Mom is proud of who she is. That is something we both share and now we believe.
**When mom went to another life, I had the great honor to be raised and cared for by some amazing women (Still am being cared for actually). Words cannot express my gratitude because I would surely not be in the position I am now without your love.
Aunt Mona
Aunt Kristi
Grandma
My Dear Sister Melissa
Judy
And all the other Mammas (young and old) that have loved me unconditionally for there are too many to count.
