So this is my first feeble attempt at writing a true blog post. I have written one before but that was a halfhearted attempt to write because I felt like I had to. This post, however, I truly want to share and so my hope is that it shows in my writing this time around.
I came back from Costa Rica knowing that I had to raise about 17,000 for the world raise. A ridiculous amount of money for most people, but when it comes to God’s kingdom, that isn’t even a drop in the bucket. I saw God raise and give my mission group in Costa Rica 130,000 dollars—more then seven times as much as I need to raise. Knowing that God can easily raise money I need for the World Race (WR), you would think that the first thing I would have done was start support raising. It has been over three months since I have been home and I haven’t asked a single person to support me. How far I have fallen in such a short amount of time.
I am doing the World Race for many different reasons, but I can best explain them all with just one sentence: to see the glory of God and to glorify him. One of the ways that I know God wants me to see his glory is by how he is going to support me for the WR. But instead of allowing him to show me his glory, the first thing I did when I got home was I went and got a job. Now I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting a job to help pay for the WR. In fact God calls us all to be good stewards, and since I have absolutely nothing going on between now and the start of the WR, you could even say me getting a job is biblical. However, because of the reasons I got a job, working right now is anything but biblical.
You want to know the real reason why I got my job? So I don’t have to rely on anyone else to help me pay for my WR. I don’t want to need other people to help me go on the WR. But by not letting other people help me, I am preventing God from helping me. Instead of allowing myself to see Gods glory, I wrote myself a check for 5,000 dollars.
I wish that I could say that I am so wise that I came to this realization on my own, but clearly I am not that wise. I was talking to fellow sQuad mate Sarah about fundraising and I ashamedly admitted that I haven’t asked for any support and I am trying to pay for the race myself.
She laid some hard truth on me and said, “So instead of trusting the Lord to provide for a trip He’s calling you on, you’re trying to work for it?”
All I could say was, “I know.” The truth is I did know it; I just did not want to admit it yet. I know that God will provide for me, and I know that I’m not letting him, and I know that I am being disobedient by not letting God help me. If I “know” all of these things, then why am not walking in His ways?
Because I was holding onto being able to pay for WR myself as my last sliver of being independent. But as Sarah told me:
“We cannot do this life alone. I know you probably already “know” it because you seem to say that a lot, but oftentimes I don’t think your heart gets it yet and you gotta stop beating yourself up for “knowing” something but not doing it.”
I have accepted Christ into my life twice, and gave him my physical life as well. But yet I still have trouble giving him everything because… well because I am human and I sin. That is what we humans do. Luckily we have an utterly amazing God who still loves me anyway. From this day forward, I am going to give my independence to God, because without him I am weak, but with him I am strong.
