In the Spring of 2011, I sat alone in my apartment watching whole series of TV shows for weeks. I only left when I had work or class and I hardly ever put any effort into maintaining my friendships.
I slept most hours of the day and went through more
rolls of toilet paper to wipe my tears than I can remember.
When I was out in public, I did my best to put on my pretty smile
and happy attitude so that nobody would know that I actually was far from okay.
I was depressed. And suicidal.
Even though I knew there were people in my life who loved me. Even though my parents have always provided for me and I have never wanted for anything. Even though I believe in God. Even though, for the most part I’ve had an easy, normal life. I still constantly felt worthless and not good enough.
I hated myself and the girl I was.
At some point, not exactly sure when, I realized the seriousness of my situation and began to reach out to friends. I never told my parents because I was too afraid of disappointing them or making them feel like it was their fault. Other than one doctors appointment to be put on medication, I still to this day haven’t actually had a conversation with them explaining the severity of my depression. ( except for my mom Jessica who I actually just accidentally told out of anger…not the best approach)
But luckily I had a couple friends reach out to me, and one in particular actually take me under her arm and help me work through that tough time in my life. She was the only person I really talked to for months and the person who finally looked me in the face and told me I had two options:: 1) tell my parents or 2) get away for the summer and work at summer camp with her.
Clearly, being afraid of my parents reaction, I chose camp.
And that summer was a huge turning point in my life.
That summer I met people who loved me despite my failures in life and began to see God work in my life even in the midst of the most broken place I have ever been. God, my friend, and Bluestone staff of 2011 are the only reason I am still able to sit here and type this blog today. And even though I wasn’t completely healed after that summer, I had found a way to rely on Christ which in all reality was what I was searching for all along, I just didn’t know it.
I sit here today, finally able to put my tough dark story out in the open for you all to see because I am ready for my situation to be used to help others. Thanks to AIM for making me go to a counselor before I could leave on the Race, I have began to find ways to see myself through the eyes of Christ instead of through my own human eyes. I have discovered through hearing stories of my squad mates that I don’t have to be perfect to follow Jesus, I just have to be willing. Jesus doesn’t chose the qualified, He qualifies the chosen and I feel He has finally qualified me to help save others from the darkness of clinical depression.
Just a disclaimer, I am alive and well these days and have many hopes and dreams to live a long happy life through Christ. There is hope at the end of my story. Hope that I plan to do my best to pass on to others going through the same situation. And I still every day have to wake up and chose to find my worth in Christ, but it is the best decision I and anyone else will ever make.
So feel free to share my story or ask me any questions about it.
And know that God can redeem any situation, no matter how hopeless it seems.
