If you would have asked me a year or two ago what a “missionary” was, my reply would have been something like this: “A missionary is someone who sacrifices their comfortable lives to go overseas to third world countries to reach the unreached.” So naturally, when I began to feel called to become a missionary, my first urgent thought was, “I need to get out of the country.” I found the World Race, and now here I am, but I am just beginning to learn what a missionary truly is. Up until this month, I held the belief that in order to serve God, I needed to abandon myself; “die to self” meant, to me, that I had to quash my passions, my desires, my goals, and pursue a life where I wasn’t necessarily miserable, but one where my selfishness couldn’t get in the way. This, to me, meant not doing the things I desired to do. Not chasing my passions.
For my entire life, I’ve always had a passion for horses. I started riding when I was 10, got my first horse when I was 13, and I’ve always had the desire to be involved in the Equine industry in some way, shape, or form. Then I found Jesus and the World Race and my idea of what I wanted didn’t change, but my idea of what I needed to want did. Last year, I came upon the concept and practice of Equine Assisted Therapy, which is basically the practice of using horses to facilitate therapy for people with learning and physical disabilities as well as people who have been abused. I absolutely fell head over heels in love with this idea and the desire grew within me to pursue this as a ministry . . . But then I thought I was being selfish in pursuing this. This is something I wanted to do so badly, for some reason it didn’t add up to it being something God would want for me because I was passionate about it . . . and because I was passionate about it, that made me selfish in pursuing it, which made it something God didn’t want me to do, at least in my mind.
Fast forward to month four on the Race. I had put that idea in the garbage and went on trying to figure out where God wanted me long term and in what ministry. Just last month I thought I’d be returning to Costa Rica next year long term. But then something awesome happened . . . My friend Nikki and I were driving back from a church service. The scenery was beautiful. Mountains everywhere, a full moon, and horses grazing here and there among the cows. She turns to me and looks sort of hesitant, then she says this: “God told me to say this, and I wasn’t going to, but I told Him if I saw another horse I would ask . . . and of course I saw another horse, so . . . have you ever thought about getting a bunch of land in a place like this (the mountains) and having horses and using them to help emotionally abused children?” I began to laugh in disbelief. I hadn’t told anyone about what I had looked into last year, but I proceeded to tell her about it and why I had decided not to pursue it, and that night, she spoke insight into me that floored me: God gave each and every one of us passions and desires and abilities that only each one of us individually can use for His purpose.
I had a paradigm shift. Passions were no longer something selfish that I’d planted in my own heart, but they are something that God placed specifically in my heart so that I would use them for His Kingdom and His ministry. I wrestled with the idea for a few days. I was SO sure that He was calling me abroad. I was SO sure that the United States would not be where I would live. But then I listened to Jennifer Toledo’s testimony, and I felt God speak to me through her words; there were several occasions where she was faced with a decision to pursue something, such as the school she had wanted to go to her entire life, and God told her, “If you decide to do this, I will bless you in it, but it’s not my highest for you.” So, as I continued to wrestle with what I’d convinced myself of, that I had to live overseas, that that was where I thought He was calling me, I heard those words: “If you decide to do this, I will bless you in it, but it’s not my highest for you.”
If that weren’t enough, God whispered something revolutionary to me later that week: “The United States is a ‘nation’ too.” Obviously, I knew that, but it’s not ever something I really considered in regards to the verse that commands us to go out into the nations and spread the good news. Before, I had felt guilt for any of my desires or passions that would keep me in the States. I felt guilty for living in any sort of comfort. But now, God is showing me that I can pursue His Kingdom wherever I am. I can do ministry wherever I am. And He gave me the passions I have for a reason, so that I would use them for His glory.
I spoke with one of my squad leaders, Ryan, and he told me this: “Find what makes you come fully alive, and do that for the rest of your life. Because what the world needs most is people who are fully alive.” He also reaffirmed that God gave me my passions and desires for a reason, and I will come into the full potential that He has for me when I connect my passions with His Kingdom.
This doesn’t just go for me either. Are you doing what makes you come fully alive? Are you partnering your passions with God’s glory? So many times we have these passions, but we abandon them because we don’t think they are achievable. “I don’t have enough money.” “I don’t have any experience.” “I don’t have the right connections.” “I don’t have the proper schooling.” So instead of pursuing our dreams, we just talk about them like they are far off realities that will remain out of reach. We settle for things that we may not be passionate about, but provide us ‘security’. Well, I want to tell you, you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. In order for me to achieve the dream God has given me, I’ll need to go back to school, which I cannot afford, but I find that provision comes when we take those steps of faith. Not when we talk about what we want to do, or wait for the “right time” to do it, but when we actually take those physical, tangible steps towards achieving that goal.
Is what you are doing with your life right now something you are so passionate about that you would do it even if you weren’t being paid to do it? If not, I want to tell you that God has something for you, instilled deep within your heart. You probably know exactly what that passion is. You can do anything if you believe you can achieve it . . . So go out there and become fully alive.
