Africa is over.
What.
Has
Happened.
I’m struggling right now to write the words in my mind and heart on this blog post – because so many various things – internally and externally – have happened in my past three months of living life in Africa… So many heart breaks that The Lord has gently led me to that have constantly reminded me to look back on these past three months with such awe and tears of the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father…
Despite all the difficulties that are Africa, these past three months have led me into the hard questions and realizations…The hard questions and realizations that ultimately has left me craving more and more of Himself, a craving that, honestly, I have never in life felt so desperate for Jesus. I’ve experienced a depth-ness of desperation for Himself that has left me in tears upon tears because I have seen His faithfulness despite my brokenness.
This month we worked with a children’s ministry this month in Namibia, an organization called TOV (Orphans and Vulnerable Children Organization), where we spent mornings hanging out with kindergarteners.
First, I want you all to know something…
While social media is notorious for only highlighting the best and greatest parts of our adventures and endeavors of life… (And yes, there are so many good parts) I want you to know I will be bluntly honest with you (because honestly is one of my favorite attributes of The Lord), working with children in Africa isn’t always rainbows and butterflies – it isn’t always hand holding pictures and hugs – and while, yes, I have experienced some of the sweetest moments with children on this continent in that way… Children across the world can still be like children anywhere – yes, children who are rebellious and reckless still exist in Africa…. But I mean this by saying, some children we minister to in Africa are still same in the sense that they can come from such heart-breaking and broken homes that cause the rebelliousness and recklessness – and that is true of some of the children in the ministry that we have been working with in Namibia this month.
Ethan –
A 4 year old who was kicking and screaming and as I held him in my arms.
Ethan spent a good amount of this month being disobedient towards our team, the TOV workers, and his classmates… It was a miracle if we could get him to listen to half a sentence we said – disciplining him was a work in itself sometimes.
But this whole month I couldn’t get over the truth that I believe The Lord was speaking to me, “This isn’t how he was created to be”, kept repeating in my mind – that this wasn’t Ethan’s fault –that it wasn’t any of these kid’s faults- and The Lord challenged me to love not only Ethan, but these children harder than I have ever loved. He challenged me to love when there’s nothing in return – and woah, what a love that truly is – to love someone who doesn’t love you back is one of the wildest things, but a love that speaks oceans of truth, that speaks of the love Jesus has for us… Who loves us perfectly even when that love isn’t reciprocated towards Him.
On one of my last day of working at this ministry, I was determined to speak truth into Ethan in my best four-year-old words I could to make him understand how much he was loved. After continuous rebelliousness from Ethan on this day, I started to pray, asking The Lord to help me find the words and actions to bring love into this little boy’s life. I didn’t know what his home life was… But I knew most of these kids didn’t have much of a home life that was uplifting and good.
As I started walking towards Ethan outside, he began running away, but before he could get any further, I scooped him up into my arms and cupped his little hands that were balled in fists in such frustration and anger, into my hands… And honestly, I just wanted to cry holding him, because my heart hurt. My heart hurt because I knew this little boy didn’t know what being loved meant…. As I was holding this little boy, my mind ran wild of the thoughts of what might be happening to him at home, how Ethan might not have ever genuinely even heard the words “I love you”, and I held back my tears – “Jesus, help me love Ethan in a way that he can understand, please”.
Ethan kept scrambling to be released from my arms as I held him. I decided to take him to a room where I could sit with him. He was fighting so hard against me, and when I sat down on the ground, he looked up at me with a look so full of anger and frustration and I looked back at him, asking, “Ethan, do you have a mommy and a daddy?” And in a moment, this little boy’s eyes filled with tears and he looked away. I don’t know what the answer was, but I knew either way, the answer wasn’t good. I looked up – asking Jesus to keep helping me – I was not going to give up. I then looked down at Ethan, “Ethan, do you know how loved you are? That there is a God is Heaven who loves you so much?”
And this little boy didn’t say anything.
But after a minute, he finally stopped fighting me and just laid in my arms. As my hands were still holding his little hands, slowly his hands let go of the tight fist grip he had once had at the beginning.
And understand something… Ethan disobeyed more than he obeyed for most of the month and you could say he definitely was a child who is rebellious at heart.
Yet, for the first time all month, this rebellious child, laid in my arms on the ground of this room, saying and doing nothing – not fighting back, not biting, and not punching me – just laid still. And I can’t describe it on this blog, and quite honestly can’t really comprehend what was happening in my heart and mind – but I know Jesus was speaking to him as he lay in my arms – Jesus was speaking to him in a way a four year old could understand – and you can think I’m crazy for believing that, you really can that’s okay, but I believe this with my whole heart and I refuse to let that slip my mind. I sat there with him on that ground for ten minutes as I finally let the tears run down my face – a whole ten minutes of just being still with him that was worth every rebellious act that happened the whole month with Ethan.
And yes, I honestly can’t say with all assurance that Ethan won’t ever be rebellious again – because we are forgetful in nature, aren’t we – quick to hear from our Heavenly Father, yet quick to dismiss it from transforming our lives – but I believe with my all my heart Ethan will be reminded of Jesus speaking to him as he sat in my arms in that room – and I pray it will be something The Lord continues to reveal to sweet Ethan for years to come.
We are a rebellious creation, rebellious since The Fall –
A creation that fights back against the love of our Creator – yet a creation that was never meant to be this way – that this wasn’t how we were supposed to be.
We are rebellious creation that doesn’t want to believe that when our Heavenly Father hold us into His arms as we kick and scream, He knows the definition of “good” far better than we ever could with our earthly minds scramble up a definition of “good”. And yes, while I also know and believe that our Heavenly Father never forces us into loving him – I also believe He gives us all the opportunities in the world to try to get us to stop running away and to lay in His arms and to believe that we are loved by Him – and we get the decision to accept and let that love transform the way we live our lives.
Sweet Ethan – you a son of the most high King and Creator – you are a blameless and perfect son of your Heavenly Father – and I pray for the years to come, that you would let Jesus love you, sweet Ethan.
I wouldn’t trade those ten minutes with Ethan for anything in this world, I really wouldn’t.
Jesus – thank You for loving Ethan, and thank You reminding me of your relentless pursuit of your children, your relentless pursuit of us, even when we kick and scream the whole way. Thank You that this lifetime on this earth is just a small dot on a large scale compared to the lifetime of eternity that we have with you (vapor, as Ecclesiastes would say) – you never cease to leave me in awe of how your love is unlike any other – thank You for your steadfast, contionous love of our rebellious hearts.
[Side Note… Wow! I will be leaving to Asia next week, only 4 more months left… Woaaahhh I love you all, xoxo]
