I wish that I could say that this semester has been uplifting, everything good, and positive – and while some of it has been that way, the one word I can use for it would be this more than anything: inadequate.
And I would use that word to describe my heart – And 2 months ago I used to look at that word and think how negative sounding it is… I don’t want to be “inadequate” and I think a lot of us would agree with that…
But over the past month, gosh, The Lord has shown me the beauty of inadequacy with Him more than anything.
I’ve been thinking lately (sorry this is just all my thoughts on a keyboard coming out) how many times I sing songs with the lyrics in some way or form – “God, you can have all of me – I trust you” But I think that up until this point – I haven’t really lived that out very well (and currently still working on it).
I’ve come to learn that there’s so much beauty in inadequacy – it’s something that I’ve experienced more right now than any other part of my life… I don’t think I’ve felt inadequate with The Lord this strongly because I told myself I could control my life – so there wasn’t a need to feel inadequate… But when I feel inadequate, it’s reminding me that in no way can I do and live this life without my Savior…
Matthew 14… Jesus feeds the five thousand (5,000 – that number still gets to me how big it is idk about y’all – like 5,000 people need food!!!)
The disciples thought the same too because they looked at Jesus and were like “Hey… Um Jesus, we should send these people away because how we gonna feed all these people” (The MSG version obviously…)
And Jesus says no don’t send them away… And the disciples respond with “We have only five loaves here and two fish” (how’s that gonna feed FIVE THOUSAND PEOPLE) probs what they were thinking because I was thinking it too…
And this next part – these five simple words that I have so easily overlooked – got to me one morning while reading this – Jesus says next “Bring them here to me” Not “Go get more” or “Make more” or “fish more” or “bake more” just “Bring them here to me” Give me what you have…
And holy moly, I read that and felt like I could hear those words out loud told to me more loudly and clearly than ever…
Coming into the preparation for this mission trip – I had every reason to step back from it because of how inadequate I felt about going on this trip… Felt like I had to “be better” before I went on this… Felt like I needed to be nicer, more giving, more generous, more loving, a better roommate, friend, daughter, sister… Felt so inadequate with what I had to give to The Lord for this trip… All of these things flooding my mind of trying to turn my back on this opportunity The Lord has put in front of me last semester… I felt so inadequate of going on this – felt like I had nothing to give to this trip – nothing to offer to God but me – I’m a 21 year old still trying to figure out how to make something other than Ramen noodles for dinner like let’s be real…
Inadequate has been the theme of this semester – but the most beautiful inadequacy I’ve experienced. Because I really don’t have anything to give but myself. And The Lord has made that so evident in the sweetest way… Just like the disciples had only 5 loaves of bread and two fish… He doesn’t say “First – go get more fish and bread… than come back and I will perform this miracle” No The Lord says come… Come as you are, with what you have and I will make it enough…
What a sweet Jesus we have… A Jesus who never wants more – who just wants you to come to Him, as we are, with all the inadequacy that we think is not enough… I don’t think we realize how much The Lord can do with all of it – we doubt ourselves because we don’t trust the goodness and faithfulness of God fully
I don’t have to be a “better Christian”, to feel like I have to live a better life before I go on this trip – or to feel like I have to rid myself of all my struggles before I come to Him… But to just take all of me – the good and the bad and the ugly – and step before my Father and give Him all that I can – and let Him do the rest.. and what grace that is… That to live in a world that says “do better”, my God says “come as you are” and in turn makes the most beautiful things out of the inadequate parts that constantly tell us to turn back…
Thankful for a God who loves me for me,
My inadequacy in all – World Race 2016 here I come
