Control.

*Spoiler alert: this is a dang vulnerable blog.*

 

It's been awhile…

 

I am now a college graduate.

I have my whole apartment in my room.

I am working a "big kid" job.

I am halfway to being fully funded.

I am working on a few fundraisers for the summer.

I just made a large purchase of what I hope is my final gear.

AND I don't have school to think about so I have developed a terrible fear and anxiety about the race.

 

I've never really loved transitions. They stress me out. I realize I will be broken of this, whether I like it or not, while on the race. The reality of the race has set in, and it freaks me out.

I've never been camping.

I have frequent migraines.

I have an irrational fear of squatty potties.

I am a picky eater/need protein for my migraines.

How the heck is this diva supposed to live out of a backpack?

I don't want to have a million mosquito bites for a year. (what, I'm just too sweet..)

I don't want to think about my stuff getting stolen, because then I have to cope with that.

I want to have a set schedule.

I want to go to my friends' weddings.

I don't want to leave my cloud of a bed.

I will probably get sick and hurt several times.

I don't want to go to the hospital.

I don't want to be wet all the time.

I don't want to be hot all the time.

I'm not physically ready.

I'm not spiritually ready. 

I'm definitely not mentally ready.

I don't want to sleep in a bus with my whole squad.

I want to sleep while on the race.

I don't want to sit on several hour bus rides.

 

Basically, I don't want to be uncomfortable and I'm scared to give it all to God.

 

Now, I know I am focusing on every negative possible…and I would love to be able to say, "but I trust in God that I'll be just fine," but I can't. I've never had to give up everything, material wise and control wise. I know I'll make it, but that anxiety is ever present and seems to be no matter how hard I pray. The thought has even gone through my mind, "maybe I'm not meant to go on the race," but that is my own thoughts trying to control the situation. I like control…it's time to let go.