Moses and I, we have confidence issues.
In my last blog, I talked about how my time in Asia was challenging, and that I still really struggle with stepping out in the Lord. Here is some more insight on what the Lord has been teaching me through that time.
During a prayer tunnel awhile back…debrief in Zambia (month 4)…someone got a vision for me where they saw me floating in a basket down a river. I was told to go check out the story of Moses and see what God had for me. At the time I wasn’t really getting anything, and I kind of set it aside. But it came back to mind at this most recent debrief here in Ecuador. I was talking with my mentor about how it’s still so hard to follow the Lord in what He has for me when it involves stepping outside of my comfort zone. That I want it so much more now, but I still resist it so hard. I was continuing to process through what we talked about later that day, and as I was sifting through my reasons for not wanting to step out, a lot of it came down to confidence and control. I don’t like to do things that are uncomfortable, but especially if I lack confidence in whatever it is the Lord is asking me to do. Thinking back to nursing school, I was terrified the first time I had to take care of a patient on my own, and I would hover until the nurse would come by, and then follow her in. I wanted to observe and learn and be super confident in what I was doing before I tried it on my own. So whatever we were learning, whether that was a disease process or how to insert an IV, I would get my hands on all the information I could on the topic, practice it a million times until I felt I was good at it, and then I finally felt confident enough to do it in the real world. So when I feel the Lord calling me to something I don’t think I have the skills/experience/expertise to do, I question him and come up with all kinds of excuses. And talking with the Lord about all of this led me back to the story of Moses. When the Lord calls Moses, all he can do is say how unqualified he is, and why would the Lord choose him? Surely you want someone else?
“Who am I, that I should go to Pharoah…?”
“What if they do not believe me or listen to me…?”
“O Lord, I have never been eloquent…I am slow of speech and tongue.”
“O Lord, please send someone else to do it.”
As I read through the story I realized this is exactly what I am doing. I’m constantly telling God that I am not the one he wants, I am not qualified, surely someone else could do this better than me. I’m full of excuses and void of confidence. But even though Moses rejects the Lord’s calling and questions him, the Lord still works miracles through him and sets his people free, and he becomes one of the most well-known people in the history of the world. So obviously, if God can use Moses, he can certainly use me.
And then He asked me how I can become more confident. This is what came out of my brain:
Practice practice! Do it again and again, make mistakes and learn from them.
Ask questions. Ask the Lord.
Keep going, keep pushing into the uncomfortable.
Learn all about it.
You need to really want it.
Know that the Lord walks with you and will guide you.
On top of having confidence issues, I am also a controller. I like to control most of my life really. And walking hand in hand with my need to control is my lack of trust and my need to understand everything.This suited me well as a nurse in the hospital as I sought to understand what I did and why I did what I did. If I didn’t understand something, I looked it up, researched it, asked questions, and practiced it until I fully understood it. I am now in a place where I don’t understand everything, and no amount of book knowledge or practice will get me to that point. I think this has fueled a lot of my frustration in my walk with the Lord these past few months. I don’t understand spiritual warfare. I don’t always understand what it is the Lord wants me to do or why he wants me to do it. And when I don’t understand, I lack confidence, and then I don’t move. I don’t like entering into things that are unknown to me. This is probably one of the things that makes me the most uncomfortable. But now, instead of just making me uncomfortable, it also frustrates me. I have grown in my walk with the Lord over the last 7 months quite a bit, and I know when the Lord is speaking to me. So now when I am in a place where I’m not sure what He is doing, I hesitate and don’t want to move, but I also know that I need to.
I’m learning right now that I still have a lot of things to let go if I want to keep moving forward. I need to trust the Lord that if I let go of my need for control and confidence, he has something so much better for me on the other side.
We were just listening to a podcast the other day by Francis Chan where he talks about the process of purifying silver. The silver is heated up to very high temperatures so that all of the impurities float to the top. As they float up, they are scooped out until the silver is pure. The silversmith knows when the process is complete when he can see his own reflection in the silver. When we allow the Lord to really have control over our lives and work us into a new creation, it feels really great at first. And then all this stuff comes up that we didn’t realize we needed to let go of. The Lord takes us through the often painful process of bringing those things up and removing them, and he continues to do this until he can see his own reflection in us as his beloved children.
So…here I am right now. Still working through the things, but hopefully not staying here too long. Where are you at?
