First of all, if you know nothing about my lego castle analogy, please read the blog “Feelings are Hard” first.
God has been bringing a lot of things full circle for me in the last week or so, and a lot of things I have been learning and experiencing are finally clicking into place. I didn’t talk a whole lot about my spiritual journey last month because it was hard, and I didn’t really know how to express all of it because I didn’t fully understand what was going on inside of me. Africa is a place that is much more open to the spiritual world than the States, so we were witness to a lot of things like seeing demons manifested in people and then watching them be cast out, seeing people overcome by the Holy Spirit and passing out onto the floor, and being anointed with spiritual gifts. I have never seen things like this before, and it was not scary, but it was a little overwhelming and I was having trouble processing what I had seen. I was also questioning how deep my faith in Christ was, as I was having trouble actually believing that he can do things like heal people and cast out demons. I wouldn’t say I went through a time of doubting my life in Christ, as much as just my belief and trust in him. It’s easier for me to trust that he will provide the funds to send me on the Race than it is for me to believe that he can heal someone right in front of my eyes. So I struggled with that a lot last month in Malawi, and was really questioning if I was just a lukewarm Christian following religious rituals, or if I truly believed with all my heart and without a doubt that Christ not only died and rose from the dead to save me, but that he lives in me and can do miraculous things through me. My team has been super gracious with helping me work through this and asking me difficult questions that have really made me re-evaluate what I believe.
Towards the beginning of the month in Malawi, the Lord had revealed a vision to me of my Lego castle (exciting, right?!). I know you all have been waiting on the edge of your seats for this (but really). In the dream I was having, Jesus and I were holding hands and running around on this huge hill/mountain thing, the closest thing I can compare it to are the hills in The Sound of Music where Maria is singing in the beginning of the movie. So this hill is huge and grassy and beautiful, and we are just running around exploring it all. Off in the distance and across a bridge, I see a tiny little castle. The Lord was showing me that I had left the little comfy castle for good, and that we are going to build my new one on this awesome hill instead. This huge hill is visible from the tiny castle, so I’ve seen it my whole life, but thought it was too good for me and I couldn’t achieve it. This makes me think of people I admire with amazing relationships with Christ and who just live him and ooze him on a daily basis. I never thought I could be like that, but God is showing me that that’s what we are going to do.
Fast-forward to Month 4, Zambia. This month has been very different from last month. We haven’t seen as much action from the spiritual world, which to be honest, is kind of a relief. I have been working through a bible-reading plan while on the Race, and at the beginning of month 4 I was reading Romans. Now, you must know that I work very well with a checklist type schedule and I am very task-oriented, so many mornings reading through my bible is just another thing to finish for that day (this was especially true while I was going through Numbers…). Lately I have been trying to change that, and just see what the Lord has for me in each day’s readings, and be willing to linger on something if he leads me to it. I got stuck hard on Romans 8, if you can’t recall what that is you should definitely check it out. So I have been reading Romans 8 all month, and I decided to start memorizing some of it. Memorizing scripture helps me to really digest through what I am reading and understand it on a whole new level, and I have been enjoying it. About a week ago on Sunday, we were praying during a youth meeting for our own spiritual growth. As I was listening and praying with the Lord, he brought up my scripture memorizing. He was telling me there is so much more for me there, and that when I am memorizing those verses, I need to hear them as if He is speaking them directly to me. So over the next week I started doing that, but I wasn’t getting much out of it.
The following Sunday I was having some time with the Lord in my hammock under the shade of the mango tree (I know, doesn’t that just sound delightful?). I had been talking with my team the night before about how I had been spiritually up and down all month, with having some really great times talking with the Lord, and then days where I just never made time for Him and was craving that space. I wasn’t expecting much of a response, but one of my teammates affirmed in me that even though I felt like I wasn’t doing well because I wasn’t setting aside my daily time with the Lord, that the fact that I was having good conversations with him and noticed when I didn’t have it was showing that I am moving away from a ritual and a task, and more into the relationship that I He desires to have with me. So as I’m chilling in my hammock, I’m going through Romans 8 again, but the Lord is truly speaking it to me. A lot of Romans 8 talks about how Christ is in us and alive inside of us, and sin is dead and no longer a part of us, and that we are his children and heirs. So he is speaking over me repeatedly that I am His and He is in me and that this is real, and I have no reason to doubt it anymore. I’ve been asking Him lately to show me more of my castle, and in that moment He told me that we were building the strong foundation, right now. That last month, He showed me where we were going to build, but my foundation was being rocked and challenged a lot. But right now he is solidifying and strengthening that foundation in Him. So I just sat in that for awhile. I’m still working through that, and I know we still have some things to work through to really solidify this foundation before we can move on to anything else. And I know I often longingly look back at the little castle without realizing it, and try to recreate my comfort and not fully live into what the Lord has called me to. So this is where I am right now. It’s sometimes really cool, and often really frustrating, but I know the Lord is doing a good work in me, I just need to choose into it and let Him do His thing.
