At the conclusion of ministry in Albania we met up with the whole squad and our squad leaders, coaches, and mentor in Bucharest for our first debrief. Debrief is a time to rest and reflect on the previous month of ministry while being encouraged and called up by our leadership. I went into debrief thinking I really did not have a whole lot to process from the last month, but God had other plans.
Throughout my time in Albania I was challenged to take ownership and lead different things and was continually pushed out of my comfort zone. I think I expected this to happen on the race, but I didn’t realize what it would look like and how I was going to feel about it. I am a very “go-with-the-flow” person by nature. I don’t like conflict, I don’t like to be in charge of things, I don’t like to be the first person to speak up. I don’t like to be vulnerable with my emotions. I like to pick up the pieces, make sure everyone is taken care of. It has been hard, and confusing, and frustrating to be challenged into these things I am not used to. Working with a team that had trouble at first understanding why I have to think things out before I can respond to a difficult question is hard. Not knowing the root of my emotions and feelings is frustrating. And not being able to adequately communicate that is just downright difficult.
Thankfully, I have been blessed with a team that also loves me and values me, and we are figuring this thing out together. I probably spent the better part of the hour bus ride back from ministry the other day in tears talking with my team leader, just trying to process things that I didn’t think I had feelings connected to. In a team-time just the day before that we were catching each other up on how we were doing and what we were going through. I thought I knew exactly what was going on, got to my turn and I couldn’t even get words out before I was in tears again. Feelings are hard, people. And quite frankly, I didn’t know I had some many. But the struggle is good. It is releasing and life-giving and allows room for growth. But back to debrief.
Back during debrief in Bucharest I really felt God telling me to let go of my comfort zone – for good. One of my teammates (Erin Peters) has been using this analogy of a bucket of legos to represent our lives. Sometimes we dump our buckets and we have little pieces of legos all over the place, mixing in with everyone else’s mess. God helps us sort them out, and to figure out things about our past, or feelings, and things that make up our lives. And at some point, God helps us to build a castle with that mess of tiny lego pieces.
While we were at debrief, one of our coaches was leading a session that I was really connecting with. At the moment I can’t remember everything she was talking about, but she kept referring to a door that God has opened for us. I didn’t recognize that door as my own at first, but then God made it very clear to me. Going back to the lego analogy, God was telling me that I have built a castle without him. I made this castle very comfortable and I prefer to work out of that space. In fact, most of the time I just like to stay inside of it and never come out. This castle was ok for me for a while, while I was growing up and learning how to stand up for myself and not be the quiet shy child that I used to be. But there is no more room for growth in this castle, no fruit. I am no longer that old self and I need to move on if I want to grow. He told me the door is open, and I can make the choice whether or not to walk out and build a new castle with Him. I do not want to go through this entire race and not grow. I do not want to come home the same person who sits on the sidelines and does not step out in boldness. So I walked out of my castle. And it felt very freeing… and also somewhat terrifying.
I’m still trying to figure out what is next. Sometimes I feel kind of silly sitting out here with no castle yet, but I trust that God has something really amazing in store for me. And sometimes I’m reminded that I may have stepped out of my castle, but maybe there is a moat or a drawbridge I still have to cross. Maybe I’m still chilling in the courtyard afraid to take the next step. In all honesty I’m not sure where I am right now and I have had trouble just trying to post this blog because it is difficult for me to show you where I am before I know where I am. Confusing, right? But I am trusting God and his will, even though I have no idea what it looks like and I often get frustrated in the meantime. But this is me, this is where I am. And I’m excited about what is coming.
