At training camp, we were led in something called a listening prayer. The purpose of doing a listening prayer is to listen for what the Holy Spirit wants to say to the people around you and to be the voice of the Lord. I was told that this could come in the form of a word or phrase or in a visual picturesque way. While we were sitting quietly listening for the Lord, I found myself becoming more and more frustrated because every time I tried to listen I heard silence and when I closed my eyes I saw darkness.
Fast forward to Monday night.
One of our squad leaders, Tiffany, had been staying with our team and on her last night here lead us in a listening prayer. Immediately, I thought back to training camp and how this prayer made me feel. Again, I sat in silence as my teammates around me heard and saw from the Lord and spoke His words to each other and to me, while I heard nothing and saw nothing. Ugh! How I longed to just see or hear something!
Now fast forward to today.
I woke up earlier than normal to have bible study with a few members of my team. We had chosen to study Acts chapter one, which eventually led into conversation about if we had been baptized by the Holy Spirit. My response…what’s the difference? The rest of my team then described when and how they were baptized by the Holy Spirit and what it felt like for them. I had never really heard about someone being baptized by the Holy Spirit or realized that it was different than baptism by water (even if you were baptized with water from the Jordan River…). I had experienced the Holy Spirit in other people at training camp and with my team here in Ecuador. I knew that when the Spirit was in them they could start speaking in tongues, or bawling their eyes out, or laughing hysterically and, quite honestly, I just thought it was plain weird.
Thoughts about the Holy Spirit and what would happen if I let Him in played in my mind all day. How would I react? Would I speak in tongues? (Spanish perhaps?) Would I laugh like a crazy person? (or even worse cry?) Would everyone around me think I was weird like I thought of them? What if nothing happened? (Like every other time I had been told to listen to the Holy Spirit and invite Him in.) Fears and insecurities filled my thoughts as they have time and again when this situation has come up.
I didn’t know how to express these things to my team when tonight at feedback, Kirsten asked our group to share one area that we have individually seen growth in this month and one area where we would like to grow in the next month. (Funny how the Lord works, huh?) I suggested that we take the time after each person shared to lay hands on them and pray for that area of growth, and the team agreed. (Perfect set up, God!) So when my time to share came, I explained how my intimacy with the Lord has grown over the past month but how I longed to hear the Holy Spirit in ways that the rest of my team had; that I had never been baptized in the way that they had explained and that I was scared of what might happen if I let Him come into my heart in such a powerful way! (Of course the teams’ response was “well, it looks like we need to invite the Holy Spirit to come!” Duh!) As my team gathered around and began to pray I silently asked God to come. (And yet I felt nothing, again) Then Lauren turned on the song Fill Me Up by Jesus Culture. My team sang along with the words: “fill me up God, fill me up God, fill me up God” (with the occasional “fill her up God”) as I silently sang along; all the while not feeling a single thing like the Holy Spirit. Then, in the midst of silently asking God to fill me up, I felt something challenge me; as if someone were saying “You don’t really mean that. You don’t really want the Holy Spirit to come. If you meant it, you wouldn’t be sitting here silently; you would be shouting and demanding for the Spirit to come!” Challenge accepted tiny voice in my head! I threw up my hands and shouted “FILL ME UP GOD!” and immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter. (Yes, like a crazy person!) I cannot even begin to describe to you the unending joy and immense love that flowed into my body! (You know that tingly feeling you get when you sit on your foot for too long and it falls asleep? Magnify that by millions and you might come close!) All my fears and insecurities fell away as my team began to laugh with me (apparently it’s contagious 😉 ) and encourage the Holy Spirit to fill me up!
Fears, gone! Insecurities, see ya never!
Holy Spirit, you have the authority to make me look as insane as you want, because I want MORE of you God!
