I am currently in month four of my World Race, living in Quiché, Guatemala. I have been trying to figure out what to write about for several days now, but nothing was coming to mind and I lacked inspiration. Honestly I was lacking inspiration for life, in general. I am a third of the way done with my trip and the rose colored glasses have fallen away. This month my team and I are sleeping on the floor of a church in the mountains of Guatemala where it is freezing cold. We only have running water between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m., and when we do have it, it’s not heated whatsoever. There are no comfy places to sit or to be truly alone (something my introverted heart craves). In summary, this month has been extremely physically uncomfortable. I also have been struggling with some hard things going on with my family at home. My family is one of the most important parts of my life and not being there for them in their times of need is really hard on my heart. I don’t understand why the Lord would allow hard things to happen to them while I’m out of the country, not there to support them. On top of the discomfort and family strife, I have been feeling disconnected from the communities we are serving. The ministries I have worked for are, without a doubt, doing amazing things! However, I am mostly unable to communicate with my limited Spanish, and I am not seeing the fruit that I was expecting. Don’t read this wrong; I love serving the Lord and meeting His people all over the world, but my heart wants to do things that are miraculous and amazing, and often times ministry doesn’t look like that. It looks like getting turned away at door after door, painting a small church, organizing closets, handing out coffee, or playing soccer with kiddos. In other words, ministry is doing completely normal, human things in a different country. But my ideas were much grander: I was picturing healing people every day, giving sermons that would bring a hundred people to the Cross, and prophesying over the lives of everyone I met. Sounds pretty awesome right? So why aren’t these things happening more?
I was struggling through all of this disappointment and anger at the Lord, and I didn’t even know how to begin working through it. So I reverted back to my favorite defense mechanism: escaping. I bought entirely too much junk food at the corner store, avoided my teammates who might ask too many questions, and jumped into the fantasy world of a good book. I was so good at stuffing those feelings down that I convinced myself all was well…until I talked to my mom on the phone. I don’t know if it’s just my mom or if all moms have this ability, but she has a knack for getting me to talk about all the hard things. She represents comfort, safety, and home for me, and I couldn’t help but to confide in her. After my conversation with her, I realized that I had some things to work through, but I still wasn’t ready to talk to my team about it. Then my team leader, Kelsey, and I went to grab some coffee and again I found myself spilling my guts about the things that I didn’t expect to share or talk about. But the Lord is good and He blesses vulnerability, and He gave Kelsey some awesome truth to share about the things I was going through.
First of all, Kelsey challenged me on my idea of investing. See I was looking at each country as a month long investment, something to give a little bit of my heart to, but not too much because I would be leaving almost as soon as I arrived. What she suggested was to look at each country as my home, for as long as the Lord would keep me there. Taking the time limit off and adjusting my perspective would allow me to invest more of myself and keep me present in the moment, even when things aren’t as comfortable as I’m used to.
Then the conversation progressed to what turned out to be pride. When I worry about my family and not being there for them, I am basically saying that I can take care of them better than the Lord can. When I assume that my idea of ministry is greater than what I am actually asked to do, then I am saying I know a better way to love people than the CREATOR OF THOSE PEOPLE. I realized during this conversation that I am not struggling with a problem of faith, I am struggling with an ego that says I am much more powerful and equipped than I actually am. Who am I to say that I know the best way to bring Kingdom? Who am I to say that I can protect my family the best? Every gift I have, every passion I carry, every blessing in my life comes from the God who loves me. And somehow I forget that– especially when I encounter a problem or situation that doesn’t go exactly how I think it should. If ministry happened the way I expected it to, much more glory would be given to my name than His name. If I was there to save my family every time something went wrong, I would be the cornerstone, not Him.
Moving forward I want to humbly accept the work that God has set before me, and trust that He is moving in the ways He sees fit. I will trust the Lord to care for my family and protect them from things of this world. Most importantly, I want to seek my joy, fulfillment, and comfort from Him and not from my living situation, works, or my own abilities. To implement these changes I have decided to fast from reading fictional books and going to the store for snacks, which were both things that I sought out for comfort. The time that I used to spend reading fictional books, will now be spent reading the Bible, listening to podcasts, and interceding in prayer for the people in the communities where we live, the people on my squad, and the people back home. I have made a commitment to begin memorizing verses from the Bible so that in the moments when I feel worried or frustrated I have truth to meditate on instead. Having the living Word of God imprinted in my heart will help me overcome the feelings that I have to do everything myself or perform miracles to be a missionary. This month the Lord has been teaching me that not every situation is comfortable or expected, but through Him alone everything is good.
