I thought I was good. I though going into Project Searchlight (PSL), that I had my life together, and I knew everything I needed to know. Sure, I couldn’t seem to have the motivation to get off my butt and start things God had laid on my heart. Never mind that I wasn’t spending any time with my family and actually didn’t want to spend time with God many days. I was good. I was a “missionary” for 11 months, so I’m fine. Right?
Then I went to PSL. Oh my word! Brokenness everywhere. Guilt everywhere. Pain e-ve-ry-where.
Turns out, I was just hiding behind the fact that I have next steps, behind that shield of having been a “missionary” for 11 months. I should look like I had it all together, so I was simply following the “fake it till you make it” rule. God revealed even more I’m working on in my life, reminded me that life is not all about the World Race, and then the rest of life happens. Nope. Not how he is.
My entire life is training, preparing for something. I don’t know exactly what that something is, but I’m still training. The Race was another training ground, and the skills I’ve learned from that experience help in my new training ground, Home. I’ve learned to laugh, cry, express emotions, have community (no matter how forced at times), love people no matter how tired, and so much more. If all those things I learned stopped in November when I moved back to my parents’ house, what good is it?
God has again reminded me of a few things I know, but ignored when I got home. If the Race was my family, my community, and my all, now that God has me back at home, that should be my family, my community, and my all. Sometimes God just needs to be blunt and obvious because I miss clues all the time.
“God, I thought you were sending me overseas.”
“I am.”
“…what?! Why am I back home now?!”
“You said you would go with me wherever I go, right?”
“Right.”
“And that you would follow wherever I lead, right?”
“Right.”
“I’m in your home in Michigan. I’m leading you there. Any other questions?”
“…Why do I have to do it?”
“Did you not just answer my questions?”
This conversation didn’t happen in all these words, but my attitude and actions have been my responses to his questions. I have been pushing back, telling God through my actions that it is okay to do nothing, because in a year or so when I’m doing ministry in the Middle East, I’ll make up for it. God just laughed at me… and sent me to PSL. Then laughed with me, cried with me, hurt because he needed to break bits of me even more, and then smiled as squad mates hugged me, and rejoiced with me as he began to help me rebuild my vision for my life.
While I’m still not sure what everything looks like, I no longer need to know. I no longer find it necessary to have everything together. The more broken I am, the more God can work through me while I’m building a safe community at home and starting to invite others into my life, where they can see the brokenness through God’s loving promises. Honestly, this concept does scare me a bit, because it means opening up everything to people who think I have it all together. However, God reminded me through a squad mate this week, “It may feel like weakness to cry and bare your soul to someone, but from an outside perspective, it actually makes you stronger and draws people to you.”
These four days have been wonderful, crazy, joyful, growing, and powerful, and we still have one more day!! I am beyond excited to see what he will do today!
Shameless plug for PSL!
If you are finding yourself in a lack of community, go to PSL. You will be reminded what you need, why you need it, and spurred to build it or find it in your community.
If you have the best community in the world, go to PSL. You could use the extra reminders, too.
If you are looking at short-term or long-term ministry for any reason, in any location, go to PSL. You will hear from many people on many subjects that will continue to challenge you, as well as hear about incredible opportunity in ministry through Adventures in Missions.
If you are lacking direction, and don’t know where to go next, go to PSL. While you may not get a direct answer, you will be given countless opportunities and ways to live out your faith, but also loving squad mates that will encourage you once again, and listen to your venting sessions.
If you are looking for some phenomenal worship and just an overall spirit-filling, and you haven’t gotten it in a while, go to PSL. He is here, and he is working. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
If you are having none of these issues, whether none at all or just a completely different one, go to PSL. God will continue to do amazing things in your life, show you new things, possibly give you answers (not a guarantee!), and it is a wonderful time of reuniting with squads and meeting even more Race alumni!
