To many people, the most notable part of my time in Thailand was living in a bamboo hut. We lived at a children’s home with Burmese Refugees in a Long Neck Karen Village. The children and many of the people in that village had awe-inspiring, heart wrenching stories. We spent three days teaching English in the village school and the remaining two days of the week spending time with the Lord or walking around the local villages. Every week night we led a Bible study with the kids at the children’s home where we stayed.
Although these things sound cool and memorable and life changing, the most notable part for me was the realization that I was running on empty. I came on this journey hoping to find a ministry, a country, an issue that I was passionate about. Here I was month 6, in a place I had always pictured myself and I felt nothing, other than tired. I had been going through the motions for months without feeling that passion. I wondered what was wrong with me; I was working with amazing people doing awesome things and I felt no connections. Thailand was my breaking point. The point when I realized I couldn’t go on empty. Because I was living in a bamboo hut in the middle of the jungle, I had nothing to distract me from these feeling so I turned to the only one with the answers, God.
I told him I was tired. I was tired of being tired, tired of not having space, tired of performing, tired of just going through the motions.
He showed me that I needed to stop looking for my passions in the ministry I was doing, in the people I was working with, in the places where I was. I needed to find my passion in Him. I changed my focus, instead of expecting a ministry to bring me joy and passion, I asked God to fill me with his joy and passion.
Once I realized this, I felt a weight lift. I no longer felt the pressure to make myself fit a ministry. I stopped living for the next month hoping that I would find my passion. Instead, I prayed that God would show me my passion through my relationship with Him, that He would show me where I fit. Although it has been a journey towards passion, I have found contentment. This contentment has come because I have a better understanding of my gifts and how I can use them for the benefit of God’s kingdom.
