Here it is…the end. Over the past 11 months, there have been times when I looked forward to this day and there were times when I dreaded it. It really just depended on the day. Ok, it sometimes depended on the minute. But now that it’s here, I just feel…well lost.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m SO impossibly thankful for all those that supported me. And I do miss each and every one of you and am excited to sit down and have coffee/whatever with you. But something inside me has been awakened and I know I can’t go back to who and what I was.
But how do I even begin to comprehend or process or explain that? I’m not sure I even fully understand 90% of it. So how the heck can I explain it to people who weren’t there? I know there’ll be some stories that will excite people. Bungee jumping into the Nile, hang gliding over the Pacific, safari, etc. There will be some stories that will amuse people. Drinking wine with some teachers at 10 am, getting yelled at by a babushka, going to an animal park with deformed animals. There will be some stories that will amaze people. Preaching in front of 1000 people, seeing a friend’s foot healed, seeing demons cast out.
But then there are all those other little things. Things no one will really get. No one will call me Mama Duck or Tri-Sarah-Tops anymore. No one will reminisce about that time I got mad in New Zealand. No one will just hug me because they can see the look in my eye and know I just need a hug. No one will make jokes about “C and C’s” anymore. And I can guarantee there won’t be 6 other people living in my bedroom.
And then there are the little things that I can’t even really explain. Like why it’s ok to eat food off the ground or pick your nose in public or go 6 days without showering. Or the big things I can’t explain. Like when I declared truths over a group of teenaged girls in Uganda and now I know their futures will be different. Or that something happened in the spiritual atmosphere when I yelled Psalm 10 in front of the bars in Thailand. How do I explain all these things I can’t see?
This year was so much more than the songs we sang with African kids or the food we passed out to the homeless in Ukraine or the orphanage we renovated in Romania. It’s even more than the Kenya woman who gave her life to the Lord or the backpackers in Australia that just need to know there was a purpose in life or the barren Malaysian woman who isn’t barren anymore. Something happened this year. Something happened inside of me that is a forever change, but is impossible to put into words. And so I’ve just wound up a little lost.
I’ve spent 66 hours on a plane, 126 on a train, and 152 on a bus. I’ve set foot in 20 different countries, had 17 teammates, and know how to say hello in 8 languages. I’ve stayed up for 40 straight hours and gone 23 days without a shower. I’ve lead a team for 6 months, got electrocuted once, been hiking 4 times, and in 24 hours I’ll be arriving back in America.
I’m just not sure I’m ready to go back.
