In case you’re not an avid reader of my blogs, you should know that this month I’ve been angry at God. I know…that’s a bold statement. More or less, though, I was angry because I felt like God didn’t really care about what I wanted, and therefore He didn’t really care about me. (See the earlier blog post for the full explanation)
That being said…JC and I were already in a pretty rough spot, and then all this other stuff started to go down. A good friend stopped emailing me; I got a grade A nasty eye infection (seriously…it was gross), and then my lip ring fell out. Added to the fact that in this country I have not felt like my usual joyful self. I felt like God was stripping away everything I was. And like He was thoroughly enjoying my misery in it.
The worst part was that I could not hear from Him in any of this. I was desperately seeking God. Desperately trying to hear His voice. But I just kept feeling like a little girl at the kitchen table trying to get her dad’s attention, and he’s just sitting there reading the newspaper, not paying me any mind. This got me even more upset because the whole reason why I fell in love with Christ is because He promised to be the best Father ever and to never leave me. And I felt like He was going against that promise!
As I struggled through all these crummy feelings and discussed them among some baller Jesus lovers, one thing became clear. It really doesn’t matter what I feel. What matters is the truth.
The truth is I belong to Christ. Not hearing God does not define my relationship with Him. The truth is He died and rose again for me. The truth is God loves me. The truth is He always restores what is broken. The truth is He always has my best interest in mind. Even when I don’t feel like that’s the case, all of that is true.
God is calling me to love Him in a more complete way. In Mark 12:30, Jesus says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” He has always had my heart, but now He is asking for my mind, too. That’s hard for me since I am such an emotionally driven person. But God never says anything about worshipping or serving in emotions. Emotions can be all too easily swayed by our sinful selves. He commands us to worship in spirit and truth (John 4:24). So I am learning to worship Him simply because He is who He is. Simply because He is God, regardless of my circumstances or feelings.
I’m not going to lie and say everything is peachy keen. I am still struggling with a lot of what God is asking of me and somedays the team switch is still very painful, BUT for the first time all month, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can smile and see that God is transforming me bit by bit, making more of Him and less of me.
Because it really doesn’t matter if I have a lip ring. Or if my eye is grody. Or if my friend never wants to speak to me again. Because I have Christ and that’s enough.
