I’m a Southern girl.
We’re usually obsessed with a handful of things: Boots, bows, monograms, marriage and babies.
I’m not an exception.
I love a good monogram and a good pair of boots as much as the next girl. My graduation cap was clad with a bow AND a monogram. Double Southern points.
As for the marriage and babies bit, I’ll say this: just because I’m in Cambodia doesn’t mean I have been blind over the holiday season. My facebook friends have been busy. They’ve been busy getting engaged and getting pregnant.
I’m 23. My “life plan” was to be married by 24 and a mother by 28. I turn 24 in March.Those plans are probably not going to come to fruition. Many of the women I know who are my age are married and already have children or have them on the way.
I’ll be honest: I get pretty bitter about it sometimes, and that bitterness is usually followed by a ridiculous amount of entitlement. It looks a lot less like being thankful for what God has done and is doing in my life and a lot more like feeling as if he owes me something for my (often reluctant) compliance to what he says.
There are days when it feels like every female in the free world (save those on the World Race) has been claimed, like Native American territory. That initiates some miserable thought patterns: Will I ever find someone who will be my partner in life and in ministry? Will I ever be pursued by a man who loves Jesus with his entire being? God, if you could just let me know if I’ll be single for the rest of my life, that way I could get over these desires. And so on.
Recently, I read a story about a man who spotted his wife for the first time across a room and just knew she was “the one.” That’s the kind of outrageous love we all dream of, I think. We dream of romantic gestures and flowers and twinkle lights and a love that consumes. It took me a good, long while to realize that these longings and desires of the heart might actually be a blessing instead of a burden. They can point me to my Savior.
I am not one of those girls who will lobby that “Jesus is your boyfriend until you get a real one” or anything of that nature, but I will say this: we should be cautious not to dream too much about being brides until we have first learned to be the bride of Christ. No, Jesus isn’t our boyfriend. He’s so much more than that. Desires for marriage and family are good things, and chances are they have been laid on our hearts by God, but that does not mean they should consume us. Jesus isn’t a place holder until husbands come along. He demands to be on the thrones of our hearts, married or single, and rightfully so, if we claim him as our God.
It is an ongoing battle for me to keep Jesus where he’s supposed to be. I have to work hard to not wrap my whole heart around acts of kindness or sweet words from the men in my life. God is graciously giving me plenty of opportunity to do that in this next chapter of life.
Just a few days ago, our entire squad underwent team changes. I am no longer on a team of all females. In fact, my team is a kind of awesome rarity, because we also have a married couple. While God isn’t giving me the gift of marriage in this season, he is giving me the honor of having a front row, spectator seat to a marriage where both parties are chasing after him whole-heartedly, so I can learn and grow and be stretched by their love and commitment for the gospel. Secondly, he has given me several single teammates who are (or will soon be) 30 or older. They have been through a lot more of life than I have, and conduct themselves with grace and humility. They don’t treat their singleness as a battle wound or as a gift that they were reluctant about receiving; instead, they are on the World Race, pursing God with all that they have.
I am both excited and nervous to continue on with my new team. I’m excited because I know I will be grown and challenged by their faith. I’m nervous because it means I will have a daily choice to face up to certain truths:
My life is a gift. The race is a gift. My new team is a gift. And regardless of whether or not I ever receive the other gifts I feel entitled to, I am blessed beyond any of my expectations.
I will admit to you that this transition hasn’t been immediate. If you feel like you’re struggling with finding your identity and satisfaction in only Jesus, be encouraged: you’re not alone. I have to wake up every morning and point myself towards my Savior whose life looked like the following:
1.) He was single. All of his life.
2.) He lived the most fulfilling life possible because he was completely in tune with the Father’s will and the Holy Spirit.
3.) He only lived for 33 years, had no children, and yet his legacy surpasses any other man.
My tendency is to only see, dwell on, and worry about the things I don’t have, rather than thank Jesus for the things I do. Last month, my team and I read through one Proverb a day and discussed which ways we were challenged. The one that really struck me was about halfway through the month:
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. (Proverbs 14:30)
I was immediately reminded of how frequently my tendency is to envy those people who have exactly what I want, rather than being excited for them or celebrating with them. Whether it’s my squadmates who are already fully funded, or my friends who are married to great guys, or those who are at home for the holidays, etc., I have the choice to praise God for his provision in their lives or to let envy consume my heart. Luckily, the Race has given me a fresh perspective on what exactly blessing in my life looks like, and that is this: EVERYTHING I have is a gift from God.
I pray that 2014 will be a year of focus on God’s goodness, power, and grace while I focus on what He has already freely given me.
I pray that it is the same for you.
Grace and peace,
Sarah
