I have this particularly nasty habit of wanting everything in cyber world to come across flawlessly. I crave perfection for my blog posts, for my facebook appearance, etc. I am desperately trying to treat this blog differently. I'm genuinely trying to be vulnerable (which, when your blog is being shared with strangers, is no easy feat) and transparent, and to let the Holy Spirit speak through me. So here's where I'm at currently:
1.) I'm a little terrified of intimidated by the approaching training camp.
Training camp starts July 13th. I'm sure those of you reading this have put two and two together. I am a bridal consultant. I work with a large selection of clean, white dresses every day. And I am about to go into the Georgia heat for a week to camp and sweat in the dirt and woods. Luckily I was a girl scout, so it's not too far fetched, but that hasn't been my life for a long time. I am scared of going to training camp and looking like a joke in front of my fellow racers. I am scared of going to training camp and being the weakest or the least spiritually mature on my team. I am terrified God will be silent throughout the entire experience and that I won't hear from Him as much as I'm hoping. There are a million aspects about training camp that make me anxious.
2.) I have already built up expectations of my team members in my head.
There are charming and beautiful dreams that I dream up in my head about any big experience. For example, when I started college, I had secretly hoped (mind you, not prayed) that my roommate and I would become best friends, that we would share everything, that we would pursue God together. God blew those expectations out of the water. Not only was my roommate my best friend, but my suitemates were, too! How then, can I expect he will do any less with my future team members?
3.) Do you have any idea how hard it is to rely on God to provide $15,500?
Most of you who know me well would agree that I am visionary. I love big pictures. I see a video of some kids suffering at an orphanage and I'm like, "We have to go there and help them now!" But, I'll be honest, I am not detail oriented. I sometimes have awesome ideas and plans and they will never, ever materialize because I just don't have the skills to put together all of the details to make them happen. Fundraising is awesome because people are generous in ways you would never expect. Fundraising is also extreeeeeemely difficult. All I know is I want to go on the World Race because I love Jesus and His people, and that means, for a little bit, I have to be detail oriented in able to raise this money. Also, 15 grand is A LOT of money. It is easy to get discouraged. It is easy to think, oh my gosh, this will never happen. I am trying very hard to be hopeful.
4.) I'm afraid the Race will change me in ways the people I love won't be able to handle.
What if I get back from the Race and I can't relate to anyone here anymore? What if I get back and I seem to my family and friends to have completely lost my mind? What if I decide I can't live like I had been living anymore?
These are just a few of my fears and anxieties. My prayer is that God will hear them and teach me to walk through them, trusting Him, whether I can hear His voice clearly or not.
"Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you." [1 Peter 3:13-15]
Grace and peace,
Sarah
