Embracing my inability to achieve in the kingdom on my own effort.
“I used to be a good person. What happened??!?”
Have any of you felt that or wrestled with that concept? I was driving home one day after the Race overwhelmed with sorrow and mourning at this thought of the person I had become and how it was so far from the “good” person I thought I was when I accepted Christ. If Jesus was to cleanse us of our sins and make us “better”, why was I worse than ever before? My struggles overwhelming, my sins some significant shades darker.
What I believe now to be true? I wasn’t a worse person. I was an aware person.
I got to a point after the Race that I was seeking anything and everything to have feeling and to gain some sort of peace that I could not seem to find from God. The irony was that I had just dedicated a year to serving God all over the world and I was sitting here looking and feeling worse than ever before. I was resigned to a place of realizing my nothingness. My limitations at controlling my own life. I was watching my life spiral downward. I was watching deception and lies seemingly rule me. I was becoming painfully aware of my vast limitations. I was realizing I do not have sovereign control of even myself.
God, in his grace, allowed for me to use my freedom to chase the ways of my former bondage and dive into sin and deception and unknown to realize the far-reaching and all-encompassing extent of my brokenness and lack of control. At some point in life it becomes painstakingly aware to you that you can’t control those around you. When you get to a place of seemingly losing control of your own person, now that is some scary water. Realizing that if you give them a second thought, the lies and deception can overrun you and the darkness presses in so close and you cannot by your own strength pull yourself out of the mess that you have created. And God, once again in his grace, will let you sit in that place and suffer for long periods of time. I believe as long as it takes for you to realize, maybe not fully, but quite significantly, the extent of your brokenness and limitations AND for you to swallow your pride, which you can spend an extended amount of time clinging to in the dark places, and turn to Him. Him: the author and perfecter of your faith (let that sink in for a second…)
And then, with scales removed from your eyes and a deeply seated knowledge of your brokenness in place, he graces your eyes with further awareness that below the depths that you have fallen and in that dark and scary place you have found yourself, behold, he is still there with you, and his righteous right hand is underneath you holding you up. Beneath the dust and the rubble of your now crumbled paradigm, is the sweet, merciful, steadfast hand of God. You were never beyond his grasp. Your sin and the mess you have created is not beyond his redemption. Nothing you have done can not be forgiven. No place you have damaged cannot be healed. No thing that has taken place can not be reworked for his good and his glory. All things redeemable, beloved. Oh it might be a long, painful, grueling process. But redemption and restoration is possible because of his overwhelming and inexplicable loving kindness and mercy.
So you walk away, not unscratched by any means. There are wounds you have acquired and wounds you have given in this process. But you walk away knowing you do not have what it takes. You can not make “it”-whatever that proverbial it is for you- happen for yourself. But you also now know that you cannot fail, not really anyway, because nothing you do, no matter how epically awful and sinful, is beyond redemption. Because the cross happened. And then He arose. And all power and authority now belongs to Him. And the God I know, is bigger than anything done- good or bad- by the works of my hand.
He. Is. Bigger.
Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Galatians 3:3
The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen. 2 Timothy 4:18
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 2 Corinthians 4:7
