To be honest, this month was pretty difficult for me. We were in Transnistria (apparently that is a country….?) and living with a family in a small town. Our “ministry” this month was to love the family. Love the family. Simple. Right? Well, my mind doesn’t do simple. I have lived my life abiding by rules, doing what I am told, and relying on reason and logic. The race has really pushed me in this because every month the Lord has been teaching me to let go of rules and order and to “just be.” This month challenged that even further.
I guess I just keep missing the fact that our presence, as children of the Father, indwelt by the Spirit, bring Kingdom by just living and breathing. I keep on trying to make it about, “what can I accomplish for the Kingdom?”, instead of just being. That is all I have been taught and all I have ever known. The church body, well intending, always asks the question, “What did you do? Could you have done more?” But I am being convinced that it isn’t actually about what we do…at least that isn’t on what he wants us to focus. Yes, faith without works is dead, but when you focus on works and lose sight of the Father it is you that starts to die.
So this month when I would turn to the Father, when I would ask what He wants me to do, how He wants me to love the family, how to “accomplish something,” you know what He would say? Let me love you. Beloved, let me love you. I kept striving to accomplish something- even though I don’t even know what that means with an assignment so abstract as to “love someone”- and striving, I am finding, does not bring peace or true Kingdom. You may give away all that you have and deliver up your body to be burned but that does not mean you have loved (1 Cor 13:3). We are commanded to love others as we have been loved (John 15:12). I read that and immediately see a task. Love others. But I miss the last half of the verse- as I have been loved. I first have to let myself be loved. I need to know what True Love is- how it feels, how it tastes-to abide in it and let it abide in me, before I can pretend to offer it.
You think that would be easy, right? Be loved. Let someone love me. But it is so incredibly, frustratingly difficult for me to do. Because I believe lies about my identity and worth and when He tries to love me I am gripped with fear. Do you know who I am? What I have done? What I think sometimes? Like Peter in Luke 5 when Jesus helps him catch more fish than he has probably ever caught at one time, when I am blessed beyond reason I tell Jesus to get away from me, because I am a sinner. But he knows my heart, he sees my fear, and he responds with, “Do not be afraid.”
The best way to figure out if someone is truly as confident as they seem, to know if they truly understand what Christ has done and declared in them, is to love the poop out of them. Smother them with blessings and love and see what happens. A child can accept the love of their father because they don’t question his love for them. Yet we question God’s love for us all the time, despite being called His children and invited to have a child-like faith. So this is my challenge- to myself and to you all: Let God love you. Sit still before the Father and delight in Him. Let Him romance you, speak life into the dead and dying places, and enjoy it. Enjoy Him. Dwell. He loves you and He is fighting every day for you to see it.
You are dearly loved. Believe it. Faith starts there.
