I have no fluid thoughts to share with you, I’m just bored so I think I’ll ramble…
I just spent this last week in Ohio. Tricia got married.
Hands down (and I’m not just saying it because I feel like I have to) it was easily one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. There wasn’t anything special that stood out, well we did do the flashmob again but, there was no tangible reason why this wedding was the bees knees if you will. The difference, I think, was that this may have been the first wedding I’ve ever been to that the focus wasn’t on the bride and groom, it was on God; I mean, of course it was on them, but it was mostly about glorifying Him. And even though an hour into the wedding, standing up there in 4 inch high heels, when the pastor said “now I want to share the Gospel with you”, all I wanted to do was take off my giant gold shoe and stab someone with it, it was cool to see it be to His glory.
The fact that it was the best may also have something to do with the fact that the Q squad was almost entirely present, there were a few key players that I missed seeing there, but for the most part we were reunited. It was so good for my heart to be able to see them and spend some decent time with them. Even though four months has passed since we left each other in the NYC airport, being with them again felt like no time had passed at all. There was no awkward small talk, we just were together again, nothing had changed, it was amazing.
On the last night in Cincinnati, a bunch of the squad went out to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Well, that movie is just so fast-paced and confusing that I finally stopped watching the movie about half way through and just sat there deer-in-the-headlights staring and thinking about the whole last week. Seeing everyone again, running around doing wedding stuff, getting to see Tricia and Albin get married, in all that it finally hit that this was going to be the last time I was going to see some of my best friends for a long time. See, when the Race ended, yes it was hard to say goodbye, but we all knew that we would be seeing each other in a few months at this wedding, but now the wedding was over. And after we’ve all spent the last few months at home resting and trying to figure out what’s next in our lives, everyone is starting to spread out all over the world. So even though the Race ended four months ago, it felt like this was really the end. It was such a bittersweet week.
Naturally at a wedding you tend to make a lot of small talk. And it’s no surprise that my Costa Rica plans came up in conversation. It was a surprise however, when the person I was talking to turned to me and said, “You’re so brave.” Well, let me illustrate to you just how brave I feel right now: today as I was filling out the last forms and getting the last few things ready for the move south, for the first time, the reality of moving overseas alone hit me… and then I threw up. It might also have had something to do with the fact that I’ve been binge eating Christmas cookies to make up for last year, but out of nowhere, reality kicked me in the gut. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond excited; my poor body, I swear, sometimes I get so excited about moving that I get heart palpations, but brave is not a word I would use. It’s that phrase again, “Joy and fear ripping through my heart (and gut) all at once.”
And then there’s Christmas. Christmas is weird for me this year. I.love.Christmas. Maybe slightly obsessed, I’m not sure. But there is something about Christmas this year that is just not as fulfilling as it has always been. I’m still watching all the TV specials, listening to Bing Crosby, and driving around looking at the lit-up houses, but the fulfillment I used to get from all of it just isn’t there anymore. I’m not trying to be a Scrooge, I’m really not, I still love Christmas. I love being with family again and seeing my mom wear a different Christmas sweater everyday. I love that my dad forces us to watch all of those cheesy old animated films as a family and I LOVE that my brother is home from college. But this year it feels like something is just off, that televised yulelog just isn’t cutting it for me. I think the World Race has ruined Christmas for me.
So really, if you haven’t caught on yet, the overarching theme of this blog is that I’m an emotional mess, not necessarily in a bad way, but definitely a big ball of crazy.
So as I sit here listening to Jack Johnson’s “In the morning” on repeat with a Planet Earth documentary silently on TV in front of me, I’m listening to the words in his song, “these moments are the only gifts we need,” and reminiscing about my life, really just all of it in general. It’s profound really, to think that every decision we’ve ever made has led us to be right where we are. I know that sounds simple, and I probably sound stoned, but I’ve been thinking about all of the other things I could be doing right now and I praise God for all that He has brought me through to bring me to this emotionally messy, very scary moment of officially closing one chapter of my life and embarking on another.
