Codependent No More?
Not exactly…
I read this book by Melody Beattie a long time ago when I was going through some difficult times. I can’t say it dramatically changed my life when I read it, more than likely because I was still a fog at the time, but it truly brought to light the issue of codependency. An issue that for various reasons, unbeknownst to me, got rooted and embedded deep within my heart. I was unable to identify it but it was something subconsciously that had begun to destroy my life. It was like a weed in my heart that grew rampantly, taking over many aspects of my life. It cascaded into other issues I had to deal with in the future but when I reflect back on it all…I think a lot of it originated with this topic.
So what is codependency? Who is codependent? And why? All good questions. I do not claim to be an expert by any means. There are tons of resources out there for it if you want to research. A generalized definition from our society would be an unhealthy relationship where you are completely dependent on another for approval, self-worth and identity. An “addictive relationship” per se.
Below is a list of characteristic traits of codependents from Codependency for Dummies:
Codependency Common Traits:
- Low self esteem
- Not liking or accepting self
- Feeling you’re inadequate in some way
- Thinking you’re not quite enough
- Worrying you are or could be failure
- Concerned with what other people think about you
- Perfectionism
- Pleasing others and giving up yourself
- Poor boundaries
- Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner
- Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close
- Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid
- Reactivity
- Dysfunctional communication
- Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
- Difficulty setting boundaries- saying “no” or stopping abuse
- Abusive language
- Lack of assertiveness about your needs
- Dependency
- Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship
- Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave
- Relying too much on others opinions
- Intimacy problems
- Avoidance of closeness
- Losing yourself
- Trying to control or manipulate others
- Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship
- Denial
- Denial of codependency
- Denial of painful reality in your relationship
- Denial of your feelings
- Denial of your needs
- Caretaking
- Control
- Controlling your own feelings
- Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do
- Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)
- Obession
- Addiction to a substance or process
- Painful emotions
- Shame
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Guilt
- Hopelessness
- Despair
- Depression
Resonate with anyone? I think I could confidently say that 8/10 people, if not more, at some point in time in their life have felt this way in regards to another human being. If you haven’t personally experienced the above, I could probably guarantee you have at least been on the other end of the spectrum, in a relationship trying to help one of these excessively needy people. Bless your poor soul.
So why are there so many codependents in this world? Or individuals that demonstrate characteristics of a codependent (if you don’t want to be labelled). Codependents that have been through trauma and/or victimized and codependents that have grown up in perfect environments with no issues at all? It seems like there is a certain level of codependency in everyone. How can that be? Doesn’t make much sense does it?
OR maybe just maybe…. God designed us perfectly? (Gen 1:27) Maybe He instilled some codependent tendencies in every one of us for a specific reason? He designed us to need him and to desire a beautiful relationship with him. God wants us to be ultimately codependent on Him and Him alone so we would yearn for an “excessive reliance on Him for our approval and identity.” And then He speaks truth to us.
In the past I have felt every single trait stated in the list above in regards to those in the flesh. Poster child codependent over here. Whoop whoop. Lol. I have changed A LOT and I feel like my life has changed A LOT but I still feel every single one of those traits. And you might go back up and read those traits and say “well that looks like you are still struggling a lot huh?” haha. Yes, I struggle every single day just like every one of you do. The struggle is so real. In the light of the Lord though, those traits that seem to have very negative connotations are seen totally different in my eyes. I don’t see them as character flaws or defects but rather reality or humility checks. He not only can solidify my identity but also can a shed positive light on every single issue stated above. He is the only one that can do that.
I am still a codependent but only with the Lord. He turns a relationship that at first glance seems bad into good in order to glorify His name (Proverbs 16:4). He uses all things for the goodness of His Kingdom (Revelation 4:11).
I still struggle with low self-esteem…He tells me my identity is in Him. 2Corinthians 5:17, Galatians 2:20
I still struggle with trying to be a perfectionist…I am already perfect in His eyes. Matthew 5:48
I still want to please others…He gives me a spirit of love. 2Timothy 1:7
I still struggle with boundaries…He wants all of me. Proverbs 3:5-6
I still react…He gives me the Holy Spirit to know how to react. 1Corinthians 3:16, 2Timothy 1:14
I still suck at communication…He gives me a safe place to practice. Romans 8:26-27
I am still dependent and terrified of being alone…He promises to never leave me. Deuteronomy 31:16
I struggle with intimacy…the Lord provides the most intimate relationship there is. Deuteronomy 6:5, Romans 5:1-21
I still deny realities and feelings…He provides wisdom and truth. Proverbs 2:6
I still like care-taking…He helps me but also reminds me to take care of myself. Matthew 6:31-32
I still try to control…He assures me He is the only one in control. Philippians 4:6-7
I still obsess…I can obsess all I want to over Him and He delights in it! Luke 10:27
I still battle with addiction…I can now be addicted to Jesus and rebuke all other addictions. 1 John 2:16, 1 Corinthians 10:13-14
I still have painful emotions…He understands and He will always be a safe place to go and share them, once they are brought into light…they usually subside in their power. Matthew 11:28
These truths keep me extremely humble in knowing that I am absolutely nothing without him. I am in an addicted codependent relationship with the Lord…and I am not ashamed to show it… you know why it is safe and doesn’t promote bad behavior, as in a codependent relationship in the flesh? Because He promises to love us always, to never leave us and to do all things for good. I truly believe the ONLY healthy place for a codependent relationship is one with the Lord.
So whether or not you are a codependent or you know a codependent, I believe there is one place to go for help…I pray if you don’t know the Lord that you may come to know Him because He is truthfully the most wonderful thing in the world and the only thing that makes this life worth living.
Good news: if you are a codependent, there is hope, you can remain one with your one and only Heavenly Father.
If you feel these are truths, your heart is touched, and/or feel as though you would like to donate for me to go share more good news with people around the world, please do so by clicking the link above! I am still praying to go on the World Race in October but I only want to do it if it is His will and His way. My first deadline is $5,000 by July 22nd ($666 left to fundraise…666 really?? Just did that calculation Haha… I have faith the Lord will win this battle!) God Bless you all! Love you.
If you have questions or just want to talk…I am always an open ear!
