(after becoming a Christian, my experience at my first training camp)
I hope you choose to read my blog and not judge it by me starting off with a bible verse. I preface with this because truthfully, in the past, I probably would have turned my head.
“Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” 1Timothy 6:11
As most of you know I should be at training camp right now; however, this morning I am currently sitting on my couch in the comfort of my home. I am sure you are wondering why? I have asked you all to join me on this journey and you have rallied to support me. For that, I am extremely grateful, thank you. With that said, I feel obligated to share my story with you no matter how uncomfortable it might make me. So here we go… vulnerability starts now…WARNING: this is long. Sorry I am not sorry! I hope you make time to read it : )
I arrived to training camp last Thursday where I was surrounded by over 200 beautiful souls that God had handpicked to be there. I automatically felt at home, while being surrounded by people I felt like I had known a lifetime. After checking in, eating some dinner and setting up our tents it was time to go to worship. “Uh oh,” the voices in side my head said. Fear overcame me and became a dominant emotion.
For those of you that don’t know my story, here is a quick side note: when I have previously talked about God, I was referring to a God of my understanding or a “Higher Power,” not in terms of Jesus Christ and Christianity. I don’t know anything about Christianity. You might be thinking this is odd for a twenty-seven year old not to know anything about Christianity. I would like to note that this is NOT because I wasn’t introduced or surrounded by it growing up but rather because from an early age I chose not to acknowledge it or let it be part of my life. I wanted to be in control of my life for various reasons. My faith in the “God of my understanding” has grown stronger and stronger over the past couple of years and is what led me to the World Race.
So let’s go back to worship the first night. My immediate thoughts are, “oh no, this is not for me, what in the world am I doing here.” I prayed, “God please help me to understand why you brought me here? You know this is not me.” Literally seconds later, someone put their arm around me and it honestly felt like God put his arm around me to say, “hang in there champ, it is going to be ok I promise.”
This is just one example, of many, where God’s presence was abundant in the upcoming days. God nudged me to pray for someone during worship whom I felt was really hurting. This probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to most but I was terrified, seeing as how I had never honestly said an out loud prayer for someone. It turns out this person was indeed having an internal battle and we were then able to talk about it. So here we are, three days later and I am thinking, “WOW! All of this is pretty incredible. His presence is undeniable. Why am I denying him (Jesus Christ)?”
Well my world got rocked the next day. When I say rocked, I mean ROCKED! I was having an innocent conversation with someone and to be honest with you, I don’t know exactly what they said but this is what I heard, “Well if you are a Christian you do not believe anything else.” OK, valid point but this spiraled out of control in my head into, “everyone else’s beliefs have to be discredited, God is not all loving, yada, yada, yada” which I was not ok with. Number one reason being, that if I had not had the opportunity or someone had discredited my belief in a “Higher Power” or a “God of my understanding” then I may have never made it this close to Jesus Christ. No I was not trying to be converted by crazy radicals so don’t think that! It was an open honest good conversation with someone that I misinterpreted and used as fuel for a fire.
A rampant wild fire of thoughts and emotions took over my body. That night in worship, I could do nothing. I could not sing, I could not pray, I could not stop crying, I could not lift my head up, I could not hear, I could not feel; I was experiencing physical pain, my heart hurt, I was shaking uncontrollably, I was angry, I was scared and no matter what it would not stop. I thought for sure I was leaving by choice that night and that I was going to loose everything I had grown to love and know. I thought for sure that the glorious feelings I had felt the previous days were deceitful lies.
For some this may seem weird and crazy, but to me it felt so incredibly familiar. It was the exact same feelings I had had in some of my darkest days. I truly did have an impending feeling of doom and saw myself back in the depths of depression. These were feelings I was certain I would never ever have to live through again. I had done enough self-help work to never have to experience that again right? Why in the world was this happening so suddenly and where did it come from?
I went to bed that night crying and angry. I was unable to sleep and around 3 a.m. I picked up my journal and started writing:
“Lord, is this for me? Is this where you want me? I know you were trying to talk and comfort me last night but I felt nothing. I shut down. I felt like I needed to leave and that was the only option. God, if I go back to the beginning of my relationship with you one truth that I do know is that you have the power. I am not in control. The less I try to control usually the better. I am trying to control this situation God. I don’t want to loose the relationship I have with you. I know with 100% confidence that you led me here. You surrounded me with these people. These wonderful people that I assume have greater faith than I? I want to believe that what I have felt could only amplify by becoming a Christian. God please speak to me about what it means to be a Christian. What does it mean for me to accept Your name and no other? And is this what you want from me? Do you want me to accept your name as Jesus Christ? Is that what you want from me? Is that why you led me here? If so, please help me to see and believe this. Help me open my heart and get these voices out of my head telling me otherwise. Help get these feelings out of my heart that this is not for me and that I should leave. Help me get the feelings out of my heart that I am not loved or understood by these people. I don’t understand how or why everything changed so drastically and suddenly? I felt so much love and kindness. And now I feel nothing except for fear of loosing everything I have come to know. Fear of missing out on a journey you asked me to come on. Not just a physical journey but also a spiritual journey. I hate this feeling of resistance and me shutting down to the people around me that are trying to help and honestly I think are trying to speak through you. Please let me hear their words and actually believe them God. Let me hear and feel what they are saying. I pray God that you help me stay or leave according to Your will and Your will only. I want to have an intimate relationship with you for the rest of my life and I don’t want to do something to mess that up. All I can do today is put one foot in front of the other, try to put a smile on my face, pray and trust that this heavy weight/physical pain in my chest will leave and that I will be able to see things a little more clearly. Thank you God for allowing me to speak to you with such honesty and I will trust that you will speak to me with honesty, clarity and genuineness.”
I had an honest conversation with God and BAMM just like that God shined a light upon me and everything was fixed!! Hahaha I am just kidding…. I still felt absolutely miserable after journaling.
The next day someone came to get me out of session to talk. “What is going on Sarah Kate?” I explained what had happened. She proceeded to tell me, “that she had noticed my pain, had prayed for me and does not think that going on the World Race at this time is the best option.” My heart dropped. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. Fear of abandonment crept in. Hopelessness. My biggest fear was going to come true…I followed my heart and soul to where God led me and it was a dead end. I got a glimpse of religion that was beautiful, that in reality was all a façade and I was going to loose all the hope and faith I had ever had. My worse nightmare suddenly becomes reality. I shut down.
She new I shut down but continued to encourage me to talk about what I was feeling. This is where God answered my journal entry, are you ready?? It was like a jolt of energy went through me and I said, “Can someone just tell me what Christianity is? What it means to be a Christian? How to become a Christian? I have never denied Christianity truthfully but rather I denied it with ignorance. Who is to say I don’t want to become one? I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!”
I think almost stunned by the simplicity of my request she responded, “Well yeah of course I can tell you that.” Shortly there after I told her that, “I wanted to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior regardless of whether I go on the World Race or not.” She replied, “You want to do it right now?” Moments later I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. The peacefulness to follow was surreal. My whole demeanor changed. I was lighter, I could smile, and I could look her in the eye. God did shine a light on me this time, it was gorgeous outside, and I lay in the grass basking in the sun, basking in His glory. “I am yours God and You are mine.”
I am going to continue to be honest with you all…I immediately prayed to God that she would change her mind and let me go on the World Race with this family I had come to know. I am a believer now it has to come true right? Haha That is not necessarily how it works and no she did not change her mind. My heart did sink again but she was not saying I would never go on the World Race just right now was not the time. I sat with it, processed it, and eventually came to accept it. I wanted to trust that God has a plan for me, as I know He does. He has had one all along.
I stuck around for the night, which I am glad I did. My squad showed me unconditional love, prayed for me and supported me. It was a wonderful evening full of bittersweet good-byes. It truly broke my heart to leave them but I am blessed to have had the opportunity to meet them. As I said before, each and everyone one of them was hand picked to be there and the Lord is going to do beautiful work through each one of them. I will miss them all very much but know we will always be together in spirit. I wish them all the best of luck and know our paths will cross again in time.
As for me, I trust that God has a plan. I truly hope that it entails the World Race at a later date but if not that is ok to. I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to carry out His plan. I thank God for speaking to me and shining His light bright enough for me to see and choose Him over evil.
I share this story with EXTREME fear of being judged for my beliefs and being seen as a failure but also with excitement of sharing the true reality of my experience. I will never forget my firm Christian believing best friend telling me a long time ago with acceptance and peace as I defiled her beliefs that, “its ok, believe what you want to believe, Jesus Christ will come into your life when the time is right.”
This is my story and I wouldn’t have wanted it to play out any other way. I hope that you do not feel threatened by my story. I completely understand that is sounds ridiculously crazy! And never in a million years would I have thought these words would come out of my mouth. I hope that you do not think I went to some religious cult and converted. It was 100% my choice. I hope that you know I accept you regardless of what your beliefs are.
All I know is what I experienced was so real and undeniable. It was the right time for Jesus Christ to come into my life. I look forward to spending the rest of my life making up for lost time and deepening a relationship that I neglected for so long. I leave you with a verse that was shared by a squad mate, or an angel, that made a huge impact on my life during training camp…
“For God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2Timothy 1:7
Thank you for taking the time to read. I will continue to share and keep you updated on what is to come next. I hope you know your monetary support has not and will not be wasted. It will either a) be used for me at a later date on the World Race or b) go to a incredible organization that is doing wonderful things for people all over the world. Your emotional and spiritual support is also greatly appreciated. Thank you.
With Love,
Sarah Kate
