Rambunctious Peace

Here's a rambling thought from my journal that I wrote a few days after we got to Peru:

Pre-God life: The process of letting go meant two different things…

1. Just getting over it – Letting time pass long enough that thinking about and experiencing pain from whatever event simply becomes exhausting so I think about other things as best I can.
2. Revenge – On whatever or whoever it was that hurt me.

Unfortunately, even after revenge is carried out, process #1 still needs to be executed. It sucks. And "letting go" doesn't actually happen because if it is ever brought up again, a bitter taste in my mouth is the least that can happen. And in my experience, letting go to nothing is incredibly unsatisfying. Letting go to the earth or the universe is a nice idea… but it doesn't work. There's a huge step missing. Earth and Universe are created entities. Go to the Creator with your hurt and He'll take it.

I was accepted to go on the World Race, went to training camp, and showed up to Launch with a lot to be angry, upset, and anxious about. At training camp, I ached for God to take from me what had been destroying me for so long. He did. When I reflect on the evening it all happened, I just remember laughing and crying at the same time. When I heard (very audibly) from God, "Give it all to me", a weight had lifted. I let Him take it.

At Launch, anxiety took over. I felt at peace about a lot of things but others kept me awake at night. I was leaving a lot behind that I knew I'd never see again and things that would never be the same.

Month one drove me into the ground. I was sick for most of the month and couldn't participate as much as I wanted to. I had a picture in my head of month 1 being a transitioning month, an easy one. But I felt useless. For a few days, my illness got so bad I couldn't bear to even move or speak. I couldn't sleep or focus enough to read either. I was stuck. I spent hours each of these days in prayer. I got to the point of just begging God to take this pain away. (On my time, please!) I couldn't hear Him anymore and I was frustrated. I thought:

Upon entering Peru for month 2, I was upset with how my first month went. More things started getting to me. I was frustrated that my team's eyes had been on me the entire first month, I had gotten a lot of spiritual work done. It was everyone else's turn now. I prayed for someone, anyone to open up, relate with me or understand me. Some people pulled through, thank you Jesus. I was still rather anxious though, worrying about how God would handle my life, my heart, my emotions the next time I got sick.

One night, (February 8) we began worship with a prayer. Those who were in a dry season, who felt they haven't heard from God in a while, were invited to the middle of the room to receive prayer from our squad mates. I figured why not… so I went to the middle of the room with a bunch of others. Other peoples' enthusiasm about calling in the Holy Spirit was slightly uncomfortable for me. I just accepted that God likes to fill me with joy when He wants, like in the middle of the day sometimes. So I wasn't expecting Him to do anything big. But I'll gladly receive some prayer from my friends.