One of the kids wanted a letter from me before I left, so here it is. He probably didn't expect it to be broadcasted on the internet but my team convinced me to share it. I realized when I was done writing it, how much I benefited from writing it. I learned a lot about my own life and recovery and most of all, how far I've come. You may notice it yourself. How I've come to peace with this in my life.
Odyssey,
So here's the letter I promised. It's long. After Christmas, it dawned on me how little time I had for my final preparations for the World Race. Needless to say, I had absolutely no time to sit down and write… and I'll be honest, I used many of my final days on the mountain, snowboarding. But you can't blame me for that. That doesn't mean I haven't thought a lot about what I wanted to say. And I hope you share this with your house mates, or whoever is interested, because I believe many of them can benefit from this. The only way I think this will make any sense at all is if I break it all up into bite sized pieces.
A few things to keep in mind as you move on in life and even while reading this:
1. No one's recovery is the same. Different things work for different people.
2. My road of recovery and thought processes have not worked for other people and many may disagree on how I achieved success altogether. The advice I'm giving you in this letter is all based on how I did it.
3. Even your own recovery will take new shapes as time goes on. Recovery for you now will not look the same as next year or 5 years from now.
4. There's no way to foresee these changes. You can listen to as many testimonies, read as many real life stories, and reflect on your own experiences all you want. But you're going to have to live it to know how great your life can actually be. You have to make those decisions for yourself. Take every opportunity to succeed and move forward.
I grew up in New Jersey, in a small town that was safe and close. I knew my neighbors well and my best friend, Sean lived behind me. It was a beautiful place to spend a childhood. My family up and moved to Utah when I was about 12. My dad accepted a call to a church as a minister in Salt Lake City. So I grew up in a Christian home so I have always had a mention of God in my life. God was a heavenly being, far away, we went to church every Sunday, we prayed at dinner. That's what I understood.
After living in Utah for a few years, of course adolescence hit me like a ton of bricks. The only feelings I could consistently stay in touch with were those of hurt, anger, and sadness. Looking back on it, I realize how horrible teenage girls can be to each other. I was terribly abused when no one was looking by girls who I thought were my friends.
I jumped around a few schools before I landed at Judge Memorial. By this time, I had been burned by so many "friends" that I decided I was done making friends, which is where my "recreational" use turned into full blown addiction in a matter of days.
The first Monday of summer break, my parents put me into LifeLine. Here are a few things I had in my mind and told myself regularly during my recovery.
• At LifeLine, we couldn't speak without permission. It sounds really crappy but in hindsight, I realized it taught me to listen. Also, it kept me from speaking when I didn't need to. It's the idea of "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." For me, I replaced "nice" with "worthwhile" or "helpful". When I did speak, it was well thought out.
• FRIENDS: LifeLine kept me in there long enough that by the time I got out, my dealer and all hook ups had changed their numbers and residences at least 15 times. This made it really easy to, well, not find them. Duh. This may not be as easy for you. When you get your phone and/or computer back, DELETE any numbers and friends on Facebook that have ANY connection to your drug use. I mean all the way from people handing you drugs to people who saw you do drugs and didn't stop you. I know this is hard but DO IT. If you see these people around town (you will), ignore them. If they approach you nicely, you can say something like, "Sorry, can't talk, good to see you" and walk away. If they approach you with angst, wondering where you've been, why you've been ignoring them, and what's up with your attitude… My response was more like, "I'm making some big changes in my life, and you're one of them. Don't hit me up anymore." The point of all this cutting ties business is that you need to void yourself of negative options. It's called closing back doors. Dan is good at this stuff. Having a phone number of a friend that you used to do drugs with is leaving a door wide open. Close. It.
• Enemy Mentality: High school and addiction is a war zone. You need to know when to fight and when to run. For me, I had to jump on shutting down people that glamorized drugs. Sometimes, it made me look like a jerk. But I've had people tell me it changed their perspective on their lives too. When I heard stories starting out like, "Oh man it was so funny, we were so high last night and…" I would stop them and say, "I'm sure it was funny, but I already think it's stupid. I do not think you're cool for being high." It's how I felt. If you get in touch with what drugs are like when you're on the outside, you'll realize how ridiculous drugs are for real. People act like complete idiots. If you expect any respect at all, being high is not going to get it. (See next point.) I had to attack when my sobriety was threatened. Addiction is an enemy and will try to attack you. A popular tactic that enemies use is lying. "You'll feel better if you get high." Is a lie. "You'll be more popular if you get high with them" Is a lie. "Getting high just this once is worth it." Is a LIE. "I have to uphold my image of being a badass and not appear weak" is a complete lie. Oh, and when drugs are present, get the hell out of there. It's only happened to me a couple times that I realized they were around and had to literally RUN. There's no shame in that. Protect yourself. Don't give yourself time to think about it, just get out.
• Respect: I had it in my head that I was respected, feared and powerful when I was distributing or even introducing people to drugs. In reality, I was just terrified of being alone in my addiction. I dragged as many people down with me as I could and placed my identity in this shadiness. I've learned that I respect those who don't always take the easy way out. Doing drugs is SO EASY. Anyone can do them. Getting high does not make you a hardass. Acting hard does not conduct respect. Demanding respect does not entitle you to receive it. The people that I respect the most are the ones that aren't swayed from what they believe in. If you believe you are better than drugs, above who you used to be, people will respect that.
• My promises: I place high priority on promises. Always have. That means if I ever said "I promise…" it means I meant what I said 100%. No excuses. No loop holes. And I made the promise to myself that I would NEVER do cocaine again in my entire life. Ever. Enough said. End of story. It is NOT AN OPTION and never will be.
• Identity: Even after treatment, there was little I could talk about aside from being in treatment and how that had been my life for so long. I was "the girl that fell off the face of the earth to go to rehab." And as much as I had other interests, I believed deep down that's all I was, too. Even within my interests, I channeled all the energy and feelings tied to rehab into those interests. Example: Art. I enjoyed calligraphy and sculpting clay. Everything I wrote in calligraphy was a quote I liked from AA or CA. Everything I made from clay was in honor or memory of someone I knew in treatment. It's all I thought about. <– This. Is a waste of time. Instead of trying to process everything that happened at Odyssey on your own or thinking you have your life together now that you're out, go to counseling. Seriously. I went to CA for a while but after going for about 6 months, I realized I hated it and it only made me think about drugs more than I would have been normally. Up to you. Some people make it part of their life and attend regularly for decades. Yes, decades. But when I decided to go to a therapist again, life got a lot easier. It's good to talk to someone that's not actively involved in your life. You'll start to realize you're a real person. A person with a story, a past, whatever. Just like everyone else. We're all unique, we all have a story, we've all been hurt, we've all endured pain. And it's okay.
• Dare to Dream: Yeah, I said it. So, I've always been a home body. I like to plant myself somewhere and stay within my routine. I like to be comfortable and do my own thing. But sometimes stuff happens and you will become restless. (I swear this happens to everyone in their 20s) Do things that bring you joy. This doesn't mean to satisfy every desire you have. It's incredible the joy and peace I have felt by laying my own needs aside to serve other people. With the desire to help others, God told me to go on the World Race. Because I wanted to find out the real life God has for me, I'm now hanging out in a hammock in paradise, kicking it with little kids in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Doing only what I wanted or demanding immediate gratification would never have allowed me to have this incredible, once in a life time experience. So go big. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
• There is good news: God is not far away. He is not a character of punishment and law enforcement. All the pain you've endured so far can be relieved. It seems far fetched, I know. But I've experienced it for myself in a profound way. I've always believed in God, but when I decided to let go of that heartache I've been carrying around for years and give it to Him, the liberation I experienced rocked me. Holding onto hurt, resentment, and heartache is damaging and is not helping you. A quote I took to heart and keep close is: "Unforgiveness is the poison we feed ourselves thinking it is hurting someone else." I have been deeply hurt by a lot of people. But not forgiving them was only hurting me. It's the same for all of us. I was holding onto some serious hatred when I heard God speak to me. "Give it to me." He said. He'll handle all of it if we just give it up and trust that He's got it under control. Because He does! To clear any confusion, God is not a list of rules that if not followed, you're going to hell. That's not God. God calls us to believe. And love. That's it. It's way more simple than people let off. God doesn't make us give up a bunch of stuff in our lives, He just hopes that we choose life, which is what He's offering to you and is always available to you. It's an intense subject… and one that I'm still exploring and always will be. But it you're into it, maybe go to church. Don't just go sit in on a service, go talk to someone. Nondenominational churches are usually pretty cool and very welcoming to people who have no idea what they're doing in a church. Maybe try reading some of the Bible. Greatest love story ever written. It's gnarly language sometimes but maybe start in the new testament. (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are the gospels, they are neat.) I'm currently reading the book of James which is pretty freakin sweet so far (and it's super short).
So there it is. It's all I got. Oh, one more thing. Make a video of yourself, describing the person you want to be and watch it regularly. What changes do you want to see in your life? What qualities do you want to possess? How do you want to be perceived by people? How do you want to be remembered?
I hope this helps and provides some guidance. It worked for me but not without it's seemingly unbearable struggles, slip ups, hurt feelings, and everything else that we all need to work through. Work hard, give yourself and others grace, forgive easily and quickly, and choose joy in everything (good or bad).
Serah
