It is month 1 on this 11 month journey, and I have to admit that I am already feeling a huge burden. I need to be vulnerable with how I am processing life on the field. I keep hearing people say “I am so proud of you” or “you’re going to do such great things” and those are wonderful; I wholeheartedly appreciate your support! Unfortunately, I keep hearing these encouragements through a filter the enemy created: everything is in MY control.
I have decided to dedicate a year to grow with the Lord, and yet this lie keeps creeping up. All month there has been a sense of urgency hovering over me to have “successes” to share with you. I have it stuck in my head that I need to tell a story that will knock your socks off, and if I don’t, it means I am a failure. It means I didn’t do something great for the Kingdom. It means I am just living a “normal” tourist life, and I am wasting your donations because you gave expecting to hear about me living in poverty and sharing about the big ways God is moving during every little moment. I feel guilty every day that feels like a “normal” day in America: regular conversations and moments when I sometimes forget God is present until I need to call on His name.
Yes, I am just like everyone else. These are the lies I am bringing to the light, so we can squash them together 🙂 Luckily, as I read the paragraph above, I get excited because I can see all of the “I” statements which I can immediately tell you are lies. He called me to this place of growth with Him. There is no urgency or expectation except what I am placing on myself. They are not “my successes” about which to boast (and, really, what is considered a success?). Whether I am here or in America, I can live a life that shares the love of Jesus through “regular” conversations and all. Who am I to limit God to only work when I am aware of His presence?
I can tell you God is working miracles. I may not be witnessing the most supernatural circumstances, but Papa is working in people’s hearts little by little. I may not be there as soon as a new believer has scales fall from his/her eyes, but it doesn’t matter. God is using me for whatever He needs, and I am okay with that!
I say all of this as a plea for patience. I may not be the best photographer or story teller. I may not realize what God is doing when He is doing it; therefore what I share may be limited to what I see with my eyes. I am not a vigilante moving across the world to save lives with my own powers. I am human (a young, inexperienced one at that) and I am just trying to grow closer to Him.
Thanks for your support and encouragement. I am completely drowning in GRACE and that has been such a blessing! He chose me, He loves me, and I need to remember I am right where I am supposed to be: small moments and all.
Sincerely,
Your World Racer
