I am back home, I only just shaved my legs four days after the fact, and my cell phone is still in a constant state of being half-charged and often ignored. Sometimes I wonder if I am forgetting how to function. Training camp and the 9 days that became a reflection of the 11-month life I will enter into are still all over my mind.
Photo Credit: Bri Danese
A-Squad!
It wasn’t all dance parties, taking runs to North Carolina (by the way, it’s ALL uphill to North Carolina), eating food with my hands, living in tent villages, and getting to know the 51 amazing people who will become my new family. That definitely was a lot of it, but during these 9 days, God spoke to me and continues to do so. If that sounds pretty crazy to you, that’s fine, because sometimes it sounds pretty crazy to me too. So let me make a long story short,
As a denominational crossbreed and an analytical skeptic, I prefer to process things from an arms length. I’ve heard God speak before, but in recent times I’ve preferred the safety of excessive criticism to the point of even keeping good things at a distance. The theological background I spent the last 3 years studying is fine and well, but without the reality of love, it's cold and lifeless and led me to create a lot of closed expectations of God. On the other hand, true Joy is inviting, so there came a point early on in training camp where I decided to welcome in the very joy that I was being so skeptical and hesitant toward.
So one afternoon, I threw aside expectations and waited on God. In this moment, only one word came to mind and one image emerged in my mind’s eye. I was standing there, gripping a sword, and all I could hear was “you’re a fighter.” My natural response was “….okay….” which was pretty much equivalent to considering it a nice thought, but I still had no idea how this was significant to my life. The picture never dissipated and this word, “fighter” did not stop ringing in my head. So I decided to file this thought away and keep it to myself with the intention of putting some more prayer & Scripture to it later.
The evening rolls around and in the midst of dancing around with my new family and attempting to sing some songs in Afrikaans, a friend taps me on the shoulder. She then proceeds to say, “I just need to let you know that the Lord wants me to tell you that you have a warrior spirit. You’re a fighter.” She went on, encouraging me to tell my story, to put on my custom fit armor, and to take hold of what God has already created me to be. "You will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.” I straighten up, or more accurately, I geeked out. This was too precise, too loud to ignore.
The next day, something else happens. I laugh now, because I kept asking God for more clarity and he kept building it and bringing more depth. Through a refugee & border crossing simulation, I found myself experiencing just a tinge of the emotions and that many people I will meet around the world have experienced full force. Through some scenarios and innocent team choices, I ended up being trafficked. It was such a heavy feeling, and even though it wasn’t reality for me, it is for many people around the world. About 10 minutes later I found myself wrecked over it, and that's pretty unusual for me. I mean, I’ve felt bad about this kind of stuff before, but this was different – the heaving, sobbing, and pacing around kind of wrecked fueled by a passion and intensity beyond myself.
It’s crazy to see the kinds of things that God is continually birthing in me. Honestly though, a lot of this makes a ton of sense; I believe God is constantly redeeming us for Himself. When we become Christians, we are still who we are at our essence, but God is redeeming every part of ourselves that was used against Him to be used for good. We don't become less like the person that we are, just a different kind of that person. He’s taking my all-or-nothing, throw-myself-in, go-big-or-go-home kind of passion and willingness and calling it to fight. I’ve always had slight punk attitude toward things and authorities, but now I see that God is redeeming that fighter in me to fight a better fight with weapons I wouldn’t have thought to pull out before. I fight with praise, prayer, and seeking & speaking truth.
There is a kind of invincibility that comes from pressing into and walking in the will of God. There is no need for the safety of limitations or criticism. There is a certainty of hope and a trust that every challenge along the way can't deter me, it only shapes me to be more like Christ. I am not alone in this either, there is a network of people standing by my side, taking up the same fight. And although this call is heavy on my heart, and I still have no idea how it will play out exactly, this is the kind of passion and intensity that pumps through my veins. This is only the start.
