(A view of Lake Sammamish from the park in Issaquah, WA.)
Tonight as I was washing my dishes in the sink, I thought back to a little over a year ago… I was living in Issaquah in a nice house near Lake Sammamish. The neighborhood was awesome; it had great sidewalks for running and if I ran far enough, I’d hit a trail that wound all the way around the lake! It was great…!
But I remember even then, standing there at the kitchen sink washing my dishes thinking, “Why am I here? What am I doing? I don’t want to be here… I want to be traveling the world, learning new languages, seeing new sights, learning about other cultures… Seeing God!”… Now, a year later, here I am, doing my dishes in a kitchen sink in Macedonia realizing that dream!
Through the World Race, God has taught me many things… And, while I thought that the Race would be relatively easy, it has proven to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life.
While all of life has been a growing experience for me, due to the intentionality on the Race to work through conflict, struggles, and apply Jesus’ teachings, my personal growth has accelerated.
(Gold refined in a fire.)
The year has been a time of testing and refining for me… A season during which my weaknesses and God’s greatness have been revealed…!
I’ve grappled with some big questions…
Is God’s grace enough to cover all my sin? To cover the ugliness in my soul that has become so apparent to me this year? Does Jesus’ blood truly cover ALL sin? Is anything unforgivable? I want to come forth as gold… That this refining fire would prove where my foundation lies…
Having grown up in the church and attended Bible college, my brain knows the answer to these questions. Yet, my heart hasn’t been so sure… It’s amazing how great a distance 6 inches can be! My heart has been afraid… Can I really trust God? Does He really love me? Will He ever leave or abandon me?
Time and again on the Race, I’ve discovered the answers…
God CAN be trusted – He’s already brought to fruition my dream of traveling the world, being a missionary, and knowing him more; so I know He’ll bring other dreams to fruition, too (Isaiah 55:10-11).
God really DOES love me – friends have reached out to me because God brought me to mind and it was exactly during moments of need.
God’s grace IS enough to cover ALL my sin – He died for me when I was still a sinner (Romans 5:8).
God will NEVER leave me (2 Timothy 2:13 and Hebrews 13:5-6).
So, while these things have brought me confidence in God’s love for me, a weakness in my heart has also been revealed…
As someone who takes satisfaction in making amends for my own wrongdoing, it’s always been difficult for me to accept gifts. When someone gives or does something for me, making a point that I don’t need to return the favor, I’m uneasy… This is just like GRACE.
Grace… a word I’m so familiar with and yet still don’t fully comprehend… It’s a mystery to me… I can easily cut other people some slack and tell them how God undoubtedly has grace for them, but I’ve struggled to accept God’s grace for ME… Even to give myself grace…
If I was God, I would have abandoned me a long time ago because of my willful disobedience, unkindness, selfishness, stubborn ways, and ungodly thoughts…
Yet, He has done nothing but show me unending grace, love, kindness, and compassion through circumstances, prayer, and people…! This has been difficult to accept…
So, I’ve been reminded that I must accept grace… The grace that Jesus has offered me. Were I to make amends for my own wrongdoing, my willful disobedience to God’s ways, would mean eternal death, separation from God and life apart from everything good! Though it cost Jesus His very life, it is a free gift to me… Wow.
At 33, I thought I knew so many things; that I had so much about life and faith figured out… Well, the Race has humbled me… It’s revealed to me my struggles and God’s goodness!
Growing up I’d heard about wrestling with big questions, but there were very few I struggled with… It almost always made sense. But this year has been different… Difficult…
Facing my fears head on has included addressing my deep questions about God as well as coming to terms with the ugliness in my own heart…
So, even though I’m far from home, in a climate that my body often rejects, eating cuisine that sometimes turns my stomach, I’m right where I need to be… Walking freely in the grace Jesus has given me!
(Horses at pasture on the way to the park in Draganesti-Olt, Romania.)
