Forgiveness, what a beautiful thing. God is showing me what a huge role this simple word has played in my story. First, His unfathomable grace and forgiveness to me, and then overflowing into my forgiveness of others. But most importantly, the forgiveness that I extend to myself.
Over the past several years I have suffered from crippling depression and anxiety. I’ve kept it hidden and to myself. It’s an internal battle that if not shared, is impossible to overcome. God has given us community for a purpose. We are not meant to fight this battle alone, but with our new and forever family by our side. God has made it so evident that my suffering has a purpose, and that my story is to be shared. So I pray that as God has opened my heart to be vulnerable with you, that He might speak to you and bring you peace and comfort through my words.
As confusion and pain flooded my mind, I found it to be more and more difficult to turn to my Father. With every breath it was harder to lift my head towards Him. I knew He was the only one who could bring true healing to my heart, but still I could not cling to Him. For awhile I was able to keep myself focused, but slowly the days got more difficult. As I walked across the stage at graduation I had no idea how crazy the next year of my life would be, but it is a story that is continually marked by forgiveness.
While there are many more, there are 3 major stories of forgiveness that I would like to share with you:
My Sister!
My sisters are one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given me! Sadly, it took my world falling apart for me to see that. I hadn’t talked to my older sister in 5 years. We saw each other on holidays, and aside from that I wanted nothing to do with her . . . at least that’s what I let myself believe. I knew deep down that I wanted so badly to love her, but I let the pain I felt take higher priority. As I sat on my bedroom floor sobbing, tired of the depression and confusion and expectations of others, I broke down and reached out to my sister. And in that moment, despite the fact that we were 2,000 miles apart, I felt closer to her than I did any other human on this planet. God restored that relationship in a single moment. The baggage I had been carrying for 5 years was, in a split second, completely removed. Christ’s forgiveness is an incredible thing, and without His restoration in that relationship, I don’t know where I’d be today.
My Parents
As I kept my suffering from my parents, they kept the cause of my suffering from me. Our relationship became hardened. Each day I pushed them further away. I longed to find comfort in their presence, but with each attempt to get closer to them, I found myself running in the other direction. As I applied, and was accepted to The World Race, God once again used MY plans being destroyed to show me HIS plans. I was originally planning to leave in August, but God had a different plan, and man am I glad He did! As I was asked to push back my trip to October, and continue in counseling (which by the way is a perfectly normal thing to do, and I’ve found can bring tremendous healing), I was brought to a point where I had no other option but to open up to my parents about my depression. Through this time I discovered that many of the things that I have struggled with for years, were indeed a result of the dyslexia that I was unaware I suffered from. Although at first I didn’t quite know how to handle finding out this kind of information, God has used it to bring me an unimaginable amount of healing. So while I could be mad at my parents and allow this to pull us further apart, I’m choosing to let God work in the situation for His glory. It has been so freeing to have answers and to be able to forgive my parents, and I pray that they would be able to find peace and healing through forgiving themselves as well.
Me 🙂
Between the depression, the anxiety, and the dyslexia, I had plenty of negative thoughts to go around. Satan had found a threshold and all he had to do was whisper one lie in my ear and I was done. I would fall hard, and it would take me twice as long to stand back up. As these lies led to suicidal thoughts, they were damaging mentally, spiritually, and physically. I would let myself believe that I had to “get it together” before I should even try to take part in the work that God was doing around me, but one of the most freeing realizations has been that God loves broken and messy lives! When we reach the end of ourselves, is when we discover that He is really all we have . . . and quite honestly, all we need. There are days when He literally has to be my strength, and what greater source of strength than the One who holds the universe together! God has graciously filled my heart with forgiveness toward myself. He has opened my eyes to the fact that what He has brought me through was His Plan A, and I don’t have to let my past define who I am.
Through this healing process I have learned more than I could ever share with you in a simple blog post (yes, this is still the VERY condensed version!). But, one of the biggest things that has stuck with me, is the fact that we are all broken in sin. We are broken people living in a broken world, but our incredible Father has extended His grace to us, and asks us to do the same. To look at the people we hold dear to our hearts, and give grace. To look at the person who drives us insane, and give grace. To look a starving child in the eyes, and give grace. But most importantly, to look in the mirror, and give grace and forgiveness to the person we know is broken and the least deserving of anyone’s gift of grace.
“It’s easier to love You
Than to ever love myself
I’d be the first to forgive You
But I can’t forgive myself
I’m trying hard to let You know
I’m trying hard to let it go
But you can’t hold broken pieces together
Only grace can mend and make me whole
Only grace can restore my soul
But You can’t earn the grace that took your place
And the blood that speaks for you
Only grace, only grace can do that
You could spend your whole life haunted
By a past that He’s forgotten
If we could just receive it
Like a bird we would fly free
Every gift the Father gives
He gives and gives again
It’s got nothing to do with me and you
That’s just who He is”
