I have a problem. I always want to be right. Often I’m wrong (which I find out later on when I’ve sat down alone and really processed what people have shared) but in the moment, I always tend to argue my point until it’s heard and taken into account.
This has happened many times on the race, in particular with my previous team in South Africa. I don’t understand why I do this. Why do I always need be right? What has happened in my life or my childhood that has made me need this affirmation? Why do I feel threatened and defensive whenever someone disagrees with me or has an opposing view?
Thinking back to my younger years and being the top of my class in school, I’ve often been the person that would have all the answers, however growing up with an older sister, I’ve always felt inferior to her. Whenever we had discussions at home, she would always get the upper hand and be able to share her point of view before, during and after everyone else. She always made sure everyone heard her and we all did. My parents always gave her attention and allowed her time to share her views and opinions. She did have some great stories to share and always entertained us and helped open us up for discussion, however I always felt like I was at the back burner and was always the last person to be offered a chance to share their opinion and when I did, no one really took notice or truly listened.
I know my family didn’t intentionally mean to do this and I never knew it affected me til now, but it is amazing how much it has. How much it has affected the discussions I’ve had on my teams and I want to apologise to my previous teams for the way that I have responded.
I am truly sorry for lashing out and arguing with you about what I think is right. I am sorry for pressuring you to agree with me because you don’t have to. You are right to have your own opinions and it is great to hear opposing views. I am just sorry for not taking the time to process what you have said during the discussion. I tend to listen but I never process it until after the discussion is over, so I’m sorry if you’ve ever thought I wasn’t listening to you or haven’t considered your opinion because I have been. I love having discussions with you. I love hearing what you have to say. Your opinions do matter and it truly challenges and makes me think about my views on things. So I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you or made you doubt your friendship with me.
Being on this journey, I have realised how much I still need to learn and grow in my character. James 1:19-21 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent, and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.” I am still learning how to show humility, be an active listener, and reflect and analyse my thoughts before I speak. I know it may take a long time for me to fully grasp this and walk in it, but with Jesus on my side and his continual grace and forgiveness, I know I can get there.
Thank you for all of you for making me aware of the things I still need to learn and thank you for making me aware that I still need Jesus in my life.
