Two nights earlier we were asked what things in our life we needed to surrender for our team and for this year. One of my examples was pride. We were also warned that these areas were exactly where we were going to be attacked by Satan. All the things we want to rid ourselves of to seek God and build community are exactly where Satan wants us to stay. I decided to pray about this… what a challenging and thought provoking activity. This took over my brain for a few days. To put it in perspective, I think there were entire hours of the day I didn’t talk to anyone… I was internally processing! Two days later while I was still in the midst of this overwhelming thought process, our program director Jerry approached me.
After one of the teachings during training camp Jerry said that while he was praying in the back of the seminar he felt like God wanted him to tell me something. He said, “Sarah you are a very strong person, and I respect that about you, but I think sometimes you are too strong.” And he reminded me of this verse “My strength is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 Um… thanks? I didn’t really know how to react. What does “too strong” mean?
Fast forward to the airplane… When I sat down on airplane two of three I was overwhelmed with this feeling of Jealousy. It was so crazy… I was jealous of everything. To name a few: peoples friendships, the way people looked, roles on our team. I am surprised I didn’t scare the people I was sandwiched between with the color of green I was glowing. Thank you Jesus once again for training camp and these Christian mentors that just poured into our lives as they challenged us.
We were told this attack was coming. It was scary. I was being irrational. I was sitting in my seat crying. And, I was being lied to… I kept thinking I could handle this, it was just my flight day jitters, and that it was wrong. So I’m sitting there crying and praying when I think back to Jer-Bear and his message for me. Being weak in this moment meant being vulnerable. I was trying “let it go” but it was just becoming more and more internalized and deeply rooted. I asked God to undo the glue holding me in my seat and to help me go tell someone. So I made my way across the airplane and asked a teammate if we could talk during the layover. I was happy to wait as long as possible but of course they said, “we should talk now, meet me in the back of the plane.”
I was really nervous to admit the feelings I was having. As it turns out, I wasn’t judged and they didn’t let me believe the excuses I was making. I was met with patience through a 3 part convo (the seatbelt light kept coming on), love, and release from the worry and anxiety I was experiencing. By the time we landed I was feeling infinitely better.
Being vulnerable and open is something I am learning about every day. When I am weak, when I am vulnerable, when I am willing to be open with my team… He is strong. To love God and love other people I have to be willing to let them love me back. This doesn’t work if I’m busy trying to be strong and independent. Being at the end of Me and the beginning of God is also the only way to be at the beginning of team.
