Its the end of the race and with 7 days left I wanted to share something I’ve never shared before- a raw look into where the Lord had me at the start of this journey. This is from my World Race journal I’ve kept throughout the year.
September 7th, 2014 Two days before leaving on the Race
I feel like I am at the end of myself and it’s just the start. What do I do from here? Why have I been so broken to begin this? It’s big enough on its own strength- but here we are- more than not- completely in the dark about what we’re walking into except for the assurance that He is walking with us.
I don’t feel strong. On the contrary, I feel like I’m on the brink of- I am less than what this calls for. If I let myself I can be scared, afraid. But I choose to trust that He loves me and that no matter where I go, I can’t get away from my Jesus. He’s always there.
I feel weak. So weak that when I come into His presence I just want to crumble- on my knees, forehead on the floor and cry out this whole thing. I want to think I’ve walked through enough brokenness.
I like my strength.
But then if Your presence is cultivated in my neediness then, as it is, use it. Search my heart. You have me right where you want me so take this year, this moment, my life. This trip is too big for me. It’s been a week and I’m tired. So take me for a walk with You. It’s too big, but where I am today, take me on a journey today and I will follow you tomorrow. I’d rather trust you too much than too little.
September 9th, 2014 Airport, before boarding the flight to leave.
I’m starting, leaving on this journey- broken- like a whisper from shattering. Every piece of writing is a shard. My lungs have lost elasticity. They expand pre-maturely. I feel like I am breathing shallow, shorter breaths on top of a thinly aired stretch of mountain. My ability to take in air has changed. They’re weaker, unsure breaths. I’m missing the ability to be comfortable and stride easy. I don’t get the why. I don’t like the how. But any road you deem worthy to bring me closer to you. Brokenness is just the next step to wholeness. There can’t be healing with pain.
I trust I walk in Your victory. I’m physically leaving the country, but in my spirit I feel like I’m coming home. I can do all things through you, Lord Jesus. Let what’s hindered me become a part of a larger story and an expansion of grace. Moment by moment.
One heartbeat, one breath at a time that’s all we’re given. That’s how close You are, Jesus. What You lead me into Lord, please go slow. Put it on a level I can understand. Your spirit, Your presence is near those who ache in deep places. Oxygenate my spirit.
Three years ago You told me You were moving some things around in my heart to make more room for Your spirit. Clean me out. I’m not afraid of my own tears anymore. Keep me coming.
It’s bigger than I thought. I’m walking into Spring. Into so much that I’ve been waiting for, asking for, needing in You. You’re moving faster. It’s accelerated and I’m perceiving it as I’m going slower- but You’re moving faster. You’re showing up right off the batt more than I expected, but welcomed. I’m at an accelerated rate for some reason. What if, maybe You’ve been waiting for me to step into the redemption and restoration I’ve seen coming. I see it coming and I trust You with the process. So often we trust You with the finished product, but not the process.
Because of what a broken place You led me to and through before, I cringed in trusting You with every aspect of the state I find myself. But You are good. You’re moving and I’m stirring. It’s not just the physical state I find myself in, but being afraid of emotions being too much, too big for me to handle gracefully. When I signed up for this I know I said, “You and me- walking closely.” Maybe this brokenness and dependence are Your way of walking closer, needing You closer. I thought if I could even journal, that this would be a narrative of adventure, radical living trust and You moving. But not starting with me like this.
September 10th, 2014 Guatemala
What does the Lord have in store? I’m starting to get a bigger picture, but when the anxiety comes I want it GONE. I guess you minister from where you are. But this is hard. This physical thing is bringing out the deep, hidden fear of pain. I had my share- I’d like to say. But apparently the Lord is wanting to take me to another level of healing and intimacy, community and relationship. What if that happens? What would happen if I’m so broken that I nose plant into the basement of my soul and press into what I find there? I feel like I keep trying to band-aid over something that the Lord may completely use to break me with. What started out as anxiety now manifests itself into pain. Like its uncovering, unearthing pain. But it’s so deep and only appears when I’m left alone to think and feel through it.
Looking back at launch, during worship when I was laid out on the floor in His presence asking all my questions, reminding Him that I’m standing on His promises to me and asking for healing… What I also did was stay away from pain. I asked for healing but I think I might have settled for just the evident symptoms being taken away. I didn’t press into pain. I don’t even think I knew it was there.
Do whatever You’re going to do. I know it’s ultimately good. Heal. Apparently whatever place You’re talking me into, taking me into, requires a new level, a deeper plunge. It requires more. Maybe this is my training camp; my life-changing event. Why so early in the race? You’ve brought me to a place where to survive I have to press into You. Show me whatever else You need to show me for this process. Whatever is needed for growth and healing. Please don’t let me miss anything. I trust You. I give You complete permission to break into my life, break me and change whatever You want to change. Just please make it sweet in the end- I know it will be. I trust You. I don’t know what else to do- anything? I know You’re here. I feel Your warmth in my spirit. I welcome You, stay forever. You told me that You would never leave me or forsake me, even to the ends of the Earth. You are with me. So make me brave. My victory’s Yours. Please forgive me if I put off Your wholeness. Redeem my pain and make it my gift to the world. Because I am already struggling. Undo me if You want to. I accept and want what You have for me. I love You more than breathing. But both would be great.
That was from the very start of the race. And where I am now is more in love with Him than ever. He’s faithful to the end. His love is gentle and tender. Everything I’ve lost I’ve found again in Him. He is a Father who longs for intimacy with you. And that love is never going to go away, whether you recognize it or not.
My crazy, wild, amazing journey wasn’t traveling the world- it was saying yes to Jesus every time He wanted to hold me closer, draw me nearer and then be an open gate for God’s love to flow through to people all around the world.
To every single person who supported me- thank you from my heart. I’ll be home very soon. – Love, Sarah
