Joy.
It wasn’t until today that it hit me: I am full of joy. The last few years of running from myself, the guilty life I trapped myself in for so long has come to an end. And at the finish line, I didn’t discover disappointment, shame, or “I told you so’s” like I expected. I discovered joy.
I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to feel this way. Because I was fighting so hard to keep my mask in place, there’s no way I would’ve had time to just sit and experience the true joy in life. Not just life, though, because life is full of pain. Of distrust, skepticism, fear, and rejection. And for so long that’s what I focused on.
But now I’ve rediscovered the meaning of Life, the Maker of it all. He was there the whole time I was running, waiting for me to stop and ask for a drink. He was there as I sat alone, cowering in fear, just wishing I would fall into His protective arms. He was there when I looked at my future, uncertain of what to choose, reminding me that the straight and narrow path is the best option. And now He is here, resting with me as I look out over the forest and ocean just basking in His love. His joy.
Sometimes it’s hard to see how much we’ve really changed, how great a work God has done because our pasts are so much a part of us, have shaped the person we are now. But the other day, someone told me how much happier I am now than I used to be, even six months ago. The credit most certainly doesn’t go to myself. The transformation has been so fast that even I didn’t see it until now. How much joy there is within, how it’s allowed me to be vulnerable, how it’s replaced fake security and destroyed the fear of facing the unknown alone.
I wish I could say I’m always happy. But I definitely still have those days where climbing out of bed is a struggle, where I feel like no one understands me, where it seems like all life and purpose has been sucked out of me. And while I may not always have a smile on my face that doesn’t mean I’m not joyful. Deep down, I truly am. Because I have hope. Because I have faith and trust [and pixie dust?] that God is in control, that He will get me through.
And so I choose joy. I choose Jesus. And this time He’ll be running this race with me.
