I have struggled with a lot of fear this year.
I have had to cling to faith when fear comes in like a flood. And learn all over again: Attacks are opposite the truth.
I have had to choose daily to believe my God is so much stronger than circumstances, so much bigger than mistakes, and He did not lead me down a path that would harm me.
In sharing this struggle, someone compared it with being a soldier on the front lines of the battle. At times you are just bone weary. At times you lose heart to fight. Even as the battle is still all around you. For a while after the fight, you may wonder the outcome….because the victory is in Someone Else’s hands.
I have never been in a flesh-and-blood battle, but at times it is hard to recover from the dark places I have seen this year. And is ‘recovering’ even the answer?
I may have lost something of myself, even of God, over the past year. At least….that is what it seems…. but I am learning to see a bigger picture.
Our schedule this past month was very busy, filled with constant activity (see last post)
But one day, our contacts took us on a surprise adventure to the beach. Not just to sit on the beach, but to go island hopping and snorkeling!
After the sun went down, we were still exploring the islands. Boating in the ocean at night is completely magical. A clear night, the constellations were sparkling overhead (even if some of them were upside down) as the cool salty air whips around us. They were so bright you would think they would reflect in the water – a stunning blue during the day, was now deep and dark. Bits of phosphorous danced around the waves the boat made as it cut through the water. I had never seen this before, and it looked like shooting stars in the black water.
As I sat soaking in this quiet moment, a memory from home came back to me…
I was at a street party with a live band. There were tons of families and people milling around listening to the music on stage. A whole large area in front of the stage stood empty.
As I sat near the stage, a tiny pixie-faced girl suddenly sat down right next to me. With not a trace of shyness, and a face full of confidence, she looked up at me – a complete stranger – and told me, ‘I am a great dancer.’
With a smile on my face, I assured her that I was sure she was a great dancer. She looked at me again. And then told me, ‘I will show you now.’
Without hesitation, and with a huge smile, she got up and went right out into the middle of the empty pavement in front of the stage, and she began to dance. It was not asking for attention. She simply had the confidence that she could dance. And so she danced….to the music and not for anyone watching.
Slowly, as she danced, other small children joined her. Then older children joined. Then mothers came out to dance with groups of children and fathers twirled their daughters.
All because of one tiny girl who had the full confidence that she could dance. She still danced in the middle of all the people that had been invited to join her.
I realized this was a glimpse of Heaven. I realized that is what it looks like to be salt and light in the world. In the middle of all the darkness. Walking with full confidence in the light of your Father, and as you dance, you invite others to join.
Under these Filipino skies, out on the China Sea, as I watched this glowing algae dance like stars, God reminded me that I had asked for Him to make me like that little girl on that day I had met her.
At some point, there is a destruction of innocence, of trust, that prevents us from this sweet confidence.
If I have learned anything this past year, it is that God works in opposite ways. It turns out that becoming that little girl again is not just one giant step into trust, but many feet backwards (it seems) until nothing is clear anymore and there is only one choice…to hold onto the One you know.
In order to be like that little girl, I needed to see the darkness in order to run to the light…to break ties with the darkness that have been used as a crutch for pain and that are now a prevention from trusting God. I have to see the darkness in order to run back to Him – so He can restore.
Maybe the things that hold us back don’t seem like darkness. Maybe they are not even dark in themselves, but He is worth much more than half-hearted trust. He is worth the confidence that only He is able to give…..and restore.
I am still in need of support in order to remain on the field for the last month of the Race. If you are interested in partnering with me with financial donations, please click the ‘Support Me’ tab on this blog page. Thank you so much for all who are already supporting me on this journey!
