My last entry told you a little about what God has given me for this year. I shared with you my word for the year: Overflow. I ended in sharing with you the verse that He gave me. Joshua 1:9, which says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” I told you what it took for me to get to the point of understanding what my word and verse meant. I told you that I had a figurative dam that I had to work through and that I have diverted feelings behind that dam and that I was holding back. I also told you that over the course of this year God is going to be working on tearing down that dam. What I didn’t actually tell you was what that dam represented.
That dam represents quite a few different things. However, all of them go back to one theme: Fear. Each layer of the dam is represented by something that I have feared. Some of them I was aware of; others I was not. There have been some that I thought I had worked through and it turns out that I hadn’t at all…or not completely. One of these is my fear of inadequacy. It is something that I’ve touched on in the past in bits and pieces. If you have been reading my blogs throughout my journey you might remember me talking about my experience in Romania. Throughout our time there God worked through a good portion of my feelings in regard to my lack of self-worth and my self-doubt. Yet another lesson God has taught me on this Race is that more often than not these types of experiences have layers like an onion. He works with us to get through them layer by layer. You have to remove the top layer in order to even see the ones below it. God never gives you more than you can handle at one time and it is always in his timing. What I didn’t realize as I sat in the hallway in Romania was that what I had worked through was only the top couple layers. The layers that it revealed were the fear that was associated with those issues. A piece of what I had not shared with you in Romania was that I had for a long time told myself that I was not good enough to be worthy of having a husband and a family. I felt that I was not worthy of that type of love or relationship. He redeemed that for me by giving me an image of a beautiful little girl that will one day be my daughter. What I didn’t comprehend then was that what caused me to believe that was fear. Fear is a strong emotion and can crush you faster than you can blink. Fear can start from so many things. It could be from a comment or a situation or just apprehension. In Romania God helped me work through the first layer, the layer that the fear created. Digging deeper I have come to see that my lack of self-worth and the doubt I had in myself all stemmed from my fear that I was not good enough to really do or have everything the Lord has set out for me. I again want to share with you a piece of my journal.
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1/14/17
Good morning Abba. It is another beautiful day here. For our team time today we are doing group processing, which basically just means that we are processing things separately, but at the same time. My fear of inadequacy is something that I’ve touched on in the past in bits and pieces. Abba You redeemed some of it for me in Romania. I had feared that I was not good enough to be worthy of having a husband and a family. You have shown me that I will. I think what has come up more recently is the fear that I am not good enough to really do or have everything You have set out for me. While I have worked through some I have not allowed what You have shown me to fully permeate my heart and my feelings. I know in my head that you would never give me something that I cannot accomplish. I also know that you are the God of the impossible. As it says in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” I can do anything with You. I think that a little piece of what I need to work through in this situation too is not only the fear of repeated failure, but the shame that I have associated with what I view as my failures. College and the end of my time at Disney are some of those. The image that I think well describes it is that the dam is holding back any of the negative feelings that I felt and feel in regards to them. It is not only holding them back, but it is constantly building them up and they have more power than they should. The positive emotions that I connect with that time in my life are the ones that are allowed through and continue to give the image that the dam is just doing its job and that everything is really okay. As You know and so do I it is not. The dam is not supposed to be there. There is no place for shame. The dam needs to come down so that there are no more shadows for my shame to hide in. The verse that you gave me back in the end of month one sticks in my mind. Psalm 34:5 says, “Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame shall darken their faces.” I am reminded that all I need is Your love. Nothing else matters as long as I have You I can do anything. It is the light that chases out the shadows of my shame and the goodness and desire that drives away fear.
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This was the beginnings of what has led me to really be able to start working through my fears and work towards breaking down my dam. As many of you probably know music is a big part of my life and anytime I am sitting alone or if it is quiet, I will have music playing. This night I had a playlist on that I had created for our ministry that day, City Youth, which is 12-18 year olds, so most of my music was upbeat and energetic. It was raining so we ended up playing games inside. The room was pretty small for the number of people that we had. We were playing four square and since I was acting as dj I was one of the four corners. I ended up with a small group of kids who would run to me and sit on my lap each time they started a new round. Now, I am going to dive back into my journal to show you what I took away from the day. As I said I was playing music as I was writing. The song that I reference in my journal is Steal My Show by TobyMac.
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I was reminded of what it looks like to have childlike faith and trust. I was shown that while I should always look to you first sometimes there are situations and questions that don’t have a concrete answer. In those times it is even more important for us to place them squarely in Your hands and trust You completely to lead us true. You have a plan for me and it is more amazing and incredible than anything I could ever think of for myself. I have also been reminded that You are a God of surprises. We are not meant to know more than You are prepared to tell us. Sometimes there will be curve balls that to us seem to be out of left field, but really are right up the straight away if we could see it from Your point of view. Abba this whole experience has been a curve ball. Abba I love the lyrics of this song. It is says, “If you want steal my show, I’ll sit back and watch you go if you got something to say go on and take it away. I need you to steal my show I can’t wait to watch you go. So take it away. My life, my plans, my heart is all yours God. My dreams, my fears, my family, my career, take it away, it’s all yours God! It’s you I want to live for.” Looking at it right now that is exactly what I want and I need. Abba it is my prayer. Take it Lord; take my fear, my plans, my family, my career, my life. Jesus I need You to take it, I need You to steal my show. Abba Your plans, Your love, Your ability are all so much greater than anything that I could even imagine. There is no room for doubt because we are not big enough to even comprehend how much greater You are. You are the God of the impossible. Through You nothing and I mean nothing is impossible. There is no reason to fear for anything because no matter how many times we struggle, stumble, mess up, or disappoint there is absolutely nothing that can stop You from accomplishing Your plans and goals for us. Abba there is nothing for me to fear! There is nothing for me to worry about! There is nothing that can possibly be too big for You to overcome. There is nothing greater than You! No idea, no prayer, no plan is too big for You to answer and accomplish. It is okay for us not to have it all together. It is okay for us to not know all the answers. It is okay for us to not always be sure of where we are going next. You, You always know. You have the answers and the plans. You are our guiding light.
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Mark this day as the day where I began to walk with new level of freedom! As I was sitting there in what I have claimed as my chair in the living room (aka. Mine and Campbell’s bedroom) I could feel the literal weight lift from my shoulders. In the days following I have continued to work through more and more of my fears which I look forward to sharing with you in the future. I know that there is still more for me to work through with Him. There is no more hesitation, no more what ifs, no more maybe later. I am in new place that comes with a new level of freedom not only spiritually, but also emotionally and physically. If you ask any of the members of my team and probably our friends here in Botswana they could tell you that I have had a new energy. I am walking in the knowledge that I can do anything and everything He has for me. I don’t remember the last time I had this kind of energy. I feel like I could keep going for days! The best part of all is that I know that it is all from Him. There is no doubts, no fear in what He has for me next. All I need to know is that He loves me unconditionally and will be with me wherever I go.
