It was the main reason why I decided to come to CGA. On the World Race, God highlighted a passion in my heart for my generation. He gave me a dream of leading a Passport trip, and walking alongside young people as they come to more fully know Jesus. I was confident that it would soon be time for me to head back overseas.
But why not gain some additional leadership training first?
I joined the Leadership track at CGA to grow as a leader, improving my skills and gaining tools that would qualify me for a leadership position.
But when I had my Passport interview a couple months ago, I was met with a response that knocked the wind right out of me.
“I’ve spoken with your references and there’s some concern about inconsistencies in your identity. You shift between times where you know who you are and times where you’re still striving and fueled by performance. Leadership needs to come from a place of intimacy with the Lord and knowing your identity.”
I stayed after she left. It took me some time to stop crying and throwing myself a pity party. I knew she was right. I knew my identity was about as solid as mixed concrete. Just when I thought it was hardening, a lie would resurface. Believing the lie and operating out of it added more water, turning the concrete back to sludge.
But it didn’t help that I could identify with what she was saying. How did that solve anything? Yes, I know you’re right. But the question burning in my head was, “What am I going to DO about it?”
How do go deeper with Jesus? What can I do to build that intimacy?
I asked my mentor these questions. Her answer?
“Those questions are fueled by a performance mentally. You think it all comes down to what you can do. But it’s not about that. It’s about you being yourself, and letting Jesus be Himself. That’s what you need to learn.”
Well, great. So you’re saying I’m supposed to do nothing? How am I supposed to do nothing?
I felt like a calf stuck in a barbed wire fence. He struggles to break free. It seems absurd to ask him not to move or do anything. Little does he know that the farmer is nearby and will come and cut the barbed wire to free him. Anything the calf does, apart from waiting on the farmer, won’t help him.
Like the calf, I felt like I was stuck. Stuck at a wall. On the other side was greater intimacy with Jesus. I had been fighting the wall. Trying to push it down, find a way around it, blow it up, chip away at it, and dig under it.
But that seemed to only make it worse. It left me with a bruised spirit, lack of trust, and an overly guarded heart.
So I decided to give it a shot, and simply position myself in a place of receiving.
I decided to wait and rest.
I wish I could say that was the key and everything worked out after that, but that wasn’t the case. There were nights where I was hurt and angry because I felt forgotten by God, and days where I felt apathetic because I didn’t want to be angry anymore. There were times where I was discouraged because I couldn’t see what Jesus was doing, and I took that to mean that He was doing nothing.
He had to be the one to do something, and for those first couple weeks, I expected it to look a certain way. I had given up control of being the one to break down the wall, but I hadn’t given up control of how I thought it should come down. So when the process didn’t look exactly how I thought it should, I responded by doubting God’s goodness. I shut down and put walls up.
Then one morning during staff worship, God sent one of the AIM directors across the room to talk to me.
“God wants you to know that you’re not alone. It may feel like He’s left you alone, but He knows right where you are. He’s not passed you over or forgotten you.”
As I knelt on the floor, my eyes full of tears, I was overwhelmed by the love Jesus has for me. In return, my heart was filled.
And I didn’t have to do anything.
Later that week, I knew I was still at the wall, but I wasn’t discouraged anymore. Instead, I was almost delighting in being there. I knew that eventually I was going to be on the other side. It was just going to happen. I was hopeful sitting, resting, and waiting on Jesus to bring me through it.
And in the past month, something amazing has happened. I can’t explain how it happened. Mostly, because I had no part in it. I haven’t DONE anything, but Jesus has taught me how to enjoy Him. And somewhere in there, I’ve felt a shift in my heart.
On the race, I came to know Jesus, but now I’m coming to love him.
Still feeling immersed in this process, I’ve made two decisions. First, I’ve decided that I’m not yet ready to Passport lead. And second, I will be staying in Gainesville, GA for a second semester at CGA.
I’m in the midst of a journey that’s been cultivated by the community and culture here at CGA, and it feels premature to leave in December. I know there’s more. With Jesus, there’s always more. There’s more to know about him, more to enjoy about him, and more of His love to receive.
And so I’ll stay.
