In less than two weeks I will be home.
I’m excited and scared, hopeful and doubtful. I have a lot of questions. Will I remember all that I’ve learned this year? Will my friends at home still accept me, even if I’m different? Will the nearness of the Lord follow me home?
Each day I wake up in India, I am faced with the choice of trying to figure this all out, or I can choose to trust Him. It’s that simple. I said simple. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.
This past week with my squad, there’s been laughter, fun, tears, conversations, closure, reminiscing, joy, fear, excitement, and sadness.
I guess this is what the end looks like. And as exciting as it can be at times, it’s hard. Really hard.
But because I really don’t have words for all that I’m feeling, I would like to share something I wrote last week. My squad is big on writing monologues and I guess it finally wore off on me. So here it goes…
These people and these places. 11 countries.
Why did you choose me? Was I really who you wanted?
Me, my past, my shame, my scars.
Why would you send me to speak of your love?
There are others more bold, more pure.
But you chose me, to speak of your love and set the captives free.
Why God? I’m not good enough. Not skilled enough. Not worth enough.
I stop talking, questioning, doubting. For just a second and you speak to me.
In the quiet, in the wind.
Your words flood my soul.
“Daughter, you cannot outrun my love. For by it you’re undone and I have called you not by your strength or your qualifications. I have called you because I can.
I am God and it is by my strength that you will do the things I ask. You see, it’s not about you. It’s not about what you’ve done or what you can do, it’s about me living, speaking, breathing through you.
Open your hands and receive my love, you’ve been reaching for far too long, thinking it’s something to obtain when I’m right here waiting, waiting to give you all I have.”
I can’t bear it. The weight of His love. So unlike the weight of my sin, but hard to handle all the same.
I’m so unworthy God. Of this love.
But you speak. And respond to each of my objections with, “I love you.”
It begins to sink in, to soak through to my core. Why now does the weight of His love feel as though it’s pushing me to deeper places, as though the weight of his heart is placing me firm on the foundation of who I am, who He says I am?
“You’re beautiful.” Why when He says it do I believe it? Why, when He speaks, do His words change me?
I begin to see Him, to know Him. As the junk I’ve placed between us begins to leave, I see Him more clearly than I ever have. He is so completely lovely, so grand in His ways, so vast and what is it that I’m beginning to sense for the first time? So…
So present.
Something I believed, but rarely had felt. His voice in my ears, his Hand on my heart. His love surrounds me and something shifts.
People. My source of comfort, my identity, my foundation. People I depended on and people I idolized. It all begins to fade. It pales at the site of Him. For the touch of His hand brings more comfort than human affection. The sound of His voice brings more completion than the bonds of friendship. The love He has for me is more intimate than the passions of this world.
His heart with mine. The foundation I never knew, but now can’t continue without.
Now I know it. I believe it. He’s worth everything. He is beyond everything. My heart craves him and he satisfies my soul.
My God, forgive my pursuit of other gods. Forgive the wandering of my heart, the one thing I have to give you.
You have brought me on this journey and have called me away.
I turn to you. You take my hand. I’m walking, leaving this journey. But I’m not alone. I’ve never been alone. Upon you I lean, not for one moment separated from your love.
You’re my beloved and it’s you I will follow. Lead me to more. More deserts, more meadows, more streams, more mountains. For even in the wilderness and valleys, I know you’re there.
And wherever you are is where I want to be also.
For those of you at home,
I cannot wait to see you! Thank you for your encouraging messages, prayers, and financial support. I was constantly hearing about your support from my parents. Your interest in how I was doing, the kind words you wanted me to hear, the encouragement my journey was to you. Hearing those things gave me strength in some moments when the race wasn’t so easy. So thank you.
To my M Squad family,
The Sara I am today has a whole stinking lot to do with each of you and I will forever be grateful for the impact you’ve had on my life. To say “I love you” feels so small and insignificant compared to all that my heart feels for each of you. I am incredibly blessed that my path has crossed with yours for this year and I will never be the same.
