So I’ve needed to write a Malaysia blog for several weeks now, but I just didn’t know what exactly to say.
There are so many things that happened this month that I want to share with you.
I want to tell you about our ministry and how once again we were reminded not to have expectations. We arrived in Penang expecting to do homeless ministry. At least, that's what they had told us. However, we ended up fundraising for a Christian hospital by playing our guitars and singing worship songs. In a little over 2 weeks, the Lord used us to bring in over 3,000 dollars for patients who can't afford treatment.
I want to tell you about the sweet woman at the hospital who everyday brought us food from the bakery, cold pops, ice cream, and candy while we played music and sang. Some days she gave us jewelry and watches. She didn’t speak English so we were never able to have a full conversation with her, but every day she came by to deliver treats and sit and listen to us play.
I want you to know about Sebon, the hospital chaplain who spends hours each day meeting with patients, listening to them in their pain, and praying for them. And how I had the opportunity to work with him one day, watching him do what he loves and praying for patients with him.
I want you all to experience the laughter we had on the rooftop while we celebrated a fellow racer’s birthday.
These are "Shaky face" photos. The way to play is you shake your head back and forth really fast while someone takes a picture. Hours of endless fun!
I want you to see the beauty of the island we called home for a month: the beaches, the mountains, the people, the thriving church, the blend of culture.
I want you to hear the nights of worship as Malaysians answered the call to live radically, even if it meant persecution.
I want you to feel the support of my team and this squad as we pushed through one of the most difficult months on the race.
And then there are the things that I don’t want to write about.
I don’t particularly want to share about the nights of street evangelism where I expected the Lord to show up, but He didn’t. At least not the way I hoped He would. I wanted Him to equip me as I spoke with homeless men, but I found myself speechless. I wanted to move and act with courage, but couldn’t push past the fear I felt in those moments with people who hadn’t heard the name of Jesus. I left feeling defeated and abandoned by the Lord. But I can’t disregard the Lord’s protection as we spoke about Jesus in a closed country. And although I may be unaware of the lesson the Lord was trying to teach me those nights, I am in the process of learning to trust Him more fully.
I don’t really want to write about the wall that racers hit in month 5 when the excitement of this lil ol’ mission trip wears off and you realize that, despite what you told yourself, 11 months is actually a really long time. That’s when apathy sets in, passion wanes, and the homesickness can become overwhelming. That’s the wall I hit this month.
But even though the things that you thought made up the glamour of this trip have faded, you begin to recognize the full depths of the purpose God has for bringing you on this trip. Although being away from home for 11 months may be the most difficult thing to handle some days, you realize that if this trip was any shorter, the changes that need to take place in your heart wouldn’t happen.
(This isn't me, but this girl is just as cool!)
I want to tell you about the intense nights of worship where Chinese, Indians, Malays, and Americans (such a beautiful image of the body of Christ) gathered to proclaim the Lord’s sovereignty, in whatever language, over Malaysia while spending time in prayer for a revival. I could share about the stirring we felt in Malaysia as it prepares for the King of Kings to come and reign like never before in the hearts of the people.
But I don’t really want to tell you about how difficult it was to be fully engaged some of those nights (of worship), because I was often too uncomfortable and fearful to step out and worship freely, pray boldly, and speak fearlessly.
I don’t really want you to know how much my heart hurts because our squad leaders completed their season on the race with us and left for home a few days ago.
These two women changed my life. They walk in complete faith that the Holy Spirit can do all things, and I've seen Him work through them to do things in my own life that I thought were impossible.
Check out Stacy's most recent blog about this season of her life with M Squad.
I don’t really want to confess that I struggle with idolizing things, placing priority in things that are not God. And how I realized that my most recent idol has been this squad. If I went home from the race today, I wouldn’t be okay because I still don’t believe that God is enough. I can say that I believe it, but until my actions match up and I live that belief out, until I quit fearing and trying to control my future, until I quit holding onto friendships and people as idols and start viewing them as gifts, until I start loving God more than I have ever loved someone else, I’m not believing that He is enough. Because truly believing that would completely change who I am and how I live.
But the good news is that even if I don’t believe it yet, He is remains more than enough.
And then there are the things I want to write more as reminders for myself than for anyone else.
That we are called to submit to God and resist Satan. So every time I doubt myself, refuse someone’s compliment, allow fear to control my life, I am submitting to Satan's lies and resisting God's truth.
I want to remember the lessons the Lord has been teaching me through my new role in Logistics, how there’s something about my main ministry being to the squad that makes my heart come alive, but how it’s a challenge to step beyond the lies I’ve believed for so long, lies that doubted my ability to handle administrative work, to be organized, precise, and assertive.
I want to continue to place my identity not in my accomplishments or peoples’ opinions of me, but in who I am in accordance to the truth I hear from the Father. So that my priority shifts to time spent with him rather than my friends. I don’t want to lose sight of the freedom I felt as I pursued him more than I pursued my team or squad this past week. I want to remember what it was like to experience the Holy Spirit as a friend and to desire true intimacy with him, giving up the grip I have on my human relationships.
They are ever inferior to the pure power and might of our Creator's love.
And His love never fails.
