As I pulled onto campus yesterday, balloons were waving, horns were honking, returning students were clapping and cheering and welcoming the new freshman…but for the first time in 4 years, I wasn't there to stay. I was helping my brother move in. He was beginning his very own college journey at Malone. The feeling was bittersweet, and the day brought with it highs and lows.
I loved being on campus – feeling known by so many beautiful friends and mentors, seeing people I hadn't seen all summer, reconnecting and picking up where we'd left off.
I didn't love how it felt to leave and say goodbye. It hadn't been this hard yet. Not even during graduation or over the summer.
As I left campus and headed home, I knew everyone else was getting back into the swing of things for a new year. Memories worked their way through my mind: the people I had met, the friendships I had made, the adventures I was a part of, the life lessons I'd never forget.
When I think about Malone, this is what I see…
Freshman year sleepovers in the hall
Sledding down the big hill
Flag football season
My RA staff
Late-night adventures
Christmas dinners
When my brother wasn't a student but just a really cool kid who'd come hang out on weekends
Davenport Derby
Just plain ol' fun
Nike Airband
My Heritage girls
As I sat in my room that night, I began to realize why the day had been so difficult. Being at Malone provided a sense of security. It brought a familiar comfort.
During one of my “low” moments earlier that day, I was speaking with a friend. She told me that “people cry for two reasons…when they’re scared and when they have good memories.” In that moment, I was crying for both reasons. Thinking about Malone brings back some pretty wonderful and life-changing memories, and leaving Malone, a place of security for four years, was extremely frightening.
I can't control the past. I can't be a student at Malone again. I can’t be a freshman again. I can't be an RA again, live in Heritage again, be a part of the Malone community again.
Not like I used to be anyways…
But I realized that since Malone had become my security, removing "Malone" was the first necessary step towards the journey ahead. I can’t give myself over to God to be completely used by him if I’m holding onto the past…even if it’s a good part of my past. I can grow from it, take the lessons learned through different experiences, but sooner or later we each have to make a decision to move forward.
I’m not exactly sure what it looks like to “give up” Malone. A lot of my closest friendships were made there and some of those friends are still there. So I'm not referring to “giving up” friends. Rather, I’m moving on from Malone, but with the friends I’ve made.
Anyways, I don’t have control of the past. All I really have any control over is where I choose to go now what I choose to do next. So as I got over my emotional self, I decided to refocus. God used Malone to develop my gifts and strengths, but also reveal my passions. I went on 2 different trips to other countries while I was in college. One was to Kenya and the other to Israel. I took classes that increased my understanding of other cultures and classes that challenged what being a Christian has to do with anything. How do we each integrate our faith into our lives in our own way? What matters to us? How has God equipped us for our calling?
I reminded myself of the ways God used Malone to reveal the passions in my life. But He is now asking me to move forward in those passions without holding onto Malone and using it as a source of security. Peter had to step out of the boat completely to show that he trusted God. Right now I have one foot in and one foot out.
I’m leaving in 2 days to go to Israel and volunteer with Paidia International Development in the West Bank. I will be spending my first week at the Al Basma Center (a special needs home) near Bethlehem. Going back to the West Bank has been something I've wanted to do since returning from Israel in May of 2011.
Click on the link to see a video of the Al Basma Center!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-L1tNcmED1c
It's time for me to take my other foot out of the boat, surrender my past, and walk towards Jesus and all he has for me in this next season of my life 🙂
Thank you each of you for the encouragement you've been to me. I know there are many people praying for me and I hope you know what a true blessing it is to have people like you supporting me!
Be ready for a blog when I return 🙂
