This past week, I celebrated 4 years free of self-harm and attempting suicide. It has been a long journey of self-discovery and healing. It is a hard subject for me to talk about or even write about, but I feel like I need to share with you today. It’s what my squad calls “having that Holy Spirit heart beat” knowing that although a part of you is scared to share what God is telling you, “you must take that leap of faith and share it. “ So here I am, sharing.
Self-harm is something that I’ve struggled with since I was really young because of certain things that happened in my past. At the age of eight, I started to self-harm, and by the age of nine I had attempted to end my life for the first time. For the longest time, I felt that I needed to hurt myself because I felt that I needed to punish myself for things that had happened, and to deal with the abuse I was receiving from my third grade teacher (I’ll probably share more about that on another blog, but for now, one thing at a time) For the majority of my childhood, up until 4 years ago, I would self-harm.
I’ve spent the majority of this week looking back at my life and reflecting on where I am now, and the circumstance I was in the last time I tried ending my life. My sister Sandra, who is my person, was on her World Race journey halfway across the world and I had gotten into a big fight with my best friend at the time, and I feared that I would lose him. I didn’t realize how this person had become my whole world, and just the though of losing him was something I couldn’t handle. I was failing college, missing my sister who was the person to always leading me back to God, and falling down into a bigger hole of drug abuse. I felt utterly alone, unloved and tired, so I tried ending my life…
I remember falling to my knees and crying out with such pain… praying to God to help me, because I couldn’t do it anymore. In that moment I could hear my parents coming into the house and on that day I made God a promise: I would never self-harm or try to end my life again, and I haven’t since then. I can’t say that there haven’t been times in the past where my mind just goes to that place to cope with hard moments, but God is faithful to remind me of my promise to Him, and His promises to me.
A year ago, God placed in my heart to end that friendship. In order to keep that person in my life, I had let a part of myself die and had lost myself in him… It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I remember the day I ended that friendship, my sister wasn’t there with me to help me through it. Although I love her, I knew that God was with me, and He gave me the 20 seconds of intense courage to say goodbye to that person and end that chapter of my life. I still cried and mourned the friendship; it hurt. He had been my best friend for 10 plus years, and although it hadn’t always been bad, I knew that it had turned into a really hurtful relationship. I felt oddly at peace. I felt brave, and I could feel God with me.
I could have never imagined standing up for myself, or being where I am right now spiritually, physically, and mentally in such a great place. This week, I stand here in Cambodia, getting to serve God and the people of Cambodia only by His grace. It makes me so grateful for all that He has done in my life. It’s never easy for me to share about this part of my story, but I’m learning not to live in shame or in fear of people not wanting to be a part of my life if they think I have too much baggage. I am just resting in Papa, knowing that He’s got me, no matter what.
So here’s to 4 years free of self-harm and suicide attempts. Here’s to living in freedom, love, and peace of my Heavenly Papa!
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