We hiked all the way down a mountain that put me in the middle of a scene from The Hobbit. Long grass grazed our ankles, shifting gravel crumbled under our feet, and a steep mud path made it hard to maneuver our way down. We were headed to care for this woman who was bed ridden. Her husband and 5 children had died and she was left in her house alone and depressed. The house was made of cement with a grass roof and uneven ground, it was dense and completely unlivley. As we entered, my heart was immediately heavy. I felt clustered with darkness. The woman was in her front room, lying on the ground, alone. She looked perplexed and trapped in her thoughts.
She couldn’t even look any of us in the eye. We sat there for a few minutes trying to get anything out of her, but she was silent. The group of ladies we were with decided they were going wash all of her blankets and bedding for her. Except one lady named Naki who was given the task to stay behind to reorganize and clean her room. As we began to make our way out to the big hand washing wash buckets, God was prompting me to go back and stay with this woman and pray.
I didn’t know how to approach the situation, she couldn’t even look me in the eyes. My heart raced as I was faced with a decision; either pray for her or go about my business and help clean the room. Both were equally giving her my time and service, but God was asking me to pray.
Naki and I decided to help her get onto a chair, so we could sweep and mop the floor. She was still resisting any eye contact with me or Naki and it felt as though we were lifting dead weight, but we got her onto the chair.
I started helping Naki clean her room, because I didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing. We were lifting boxes and sweeping and every time we rearranged a box there were numerous cockroaches that skirted out. I was overwhelmed and slightly disturbed.
I dropped the broom and asked God what I needed to do. I felt that all I should do was hug her. In a split second I went over to her and just embraced her. The moment I touched her we both began to weep. I sat there holding her for a few minutes and sang It Is Well over her. After I finished singing I positioned myself at the bottom of her feet, grabbed her ankles, and started to go war. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I could feel her being attacked, the room was heavy and thick. My heart was beating a million miles per second and I started shaking. All I wanted was for this woman to be comforted and I wasn’t going to stop until God told me otherwise. I interceded for her for about 30 minutes. I read her scripture and had Naki translate it in Zulu for her.
When I felt as though I was done, my heart sank. I looked up at her and saw that she had expressed nothing different from when I started praying except that there were tears that had stained her face. I began to cry as I grabbed her fragile hand, my heart was broken for her. Right as I was about to let go, I felt her weak hand tighten its grip and she locked eyes with me for the first time and smiled a beautifully hidden smile. Tears filled her eyes and fell down her cheeks, I wiped them as I was appreciating her smile. Moments later she gazed her eyes and smile to the window. Slowly the creases of her lips formed back to a blank set and her eyes dropped their happiness. I hugged her one last time as my team came back and we prayed over her again and left.
I questioned Gods goodness for a while after that. What I wanted to see happen didn’t. I wanted her to be singing and grinning like she couldn’t stop, but all I got was a fleeting smile and a moment of hope.
I had to continue on throughout the day and battle with God in how much I was trusting him. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was convicted with my thoughts of, Why wasn’t God answering my prayers? Why wasn’t he listening to me? Why wasn’t he comforting this woman?
I kept replaying Matthew 5:3-4 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Over and over in my head, till I truly believed it.
??I have realized that I can not fix things, that’s not my job. No matter how much I want to help I can not settle the pain forever.To not lay it all on my shoulders but bring it back to the Lord. I am learning to be grateful and take joy in even the littlest of moments. Naki later told me that she hadn’t seen the woman smile in over a year, so for that fleeting smile I believe God is still good, I believe he will comfort her. I am trusting that he sees her, that he knows her, and that he loves her. Despite what I see face to face, I’m trusting God. He is love.
