It wasn't until the second night of final debrief when we worshipped for the last time as a squad that I had this fleeting thought. Just for a second, and for the first time really all race, the idea flashed through my brain.
Re-entry may be hard for me.
I prayed and pushed it away and returned to soaking in the sweet moment with my Z fam. I journaled about it that night just to be sure that it was done and over with and then slept soundly.
I mean, I had worked through my re-entry packet and heard all the talks. I had watched two of my best friends re-enter from the Race, and I myself had walked through a quite tramatic re-entry process upon arriving back in the states after my three months in South Africa in 2010. I figured I had this whole deal figured out…I'd cry for a couple days and work it out and keep praising Jesus through it. I'd cling to the promise that I'd confidently been speaking to everyone who asked "What's next?" – Jesus has called me to live back in my home town and teach first grade and be a kingdom bringer here. And He is good.
Nothing in that promise says "And that will be easy".
Welp, here I am. About 5.5 weeks into this re-entry deal and sitting at the one year anniversary of my launch date. One year ago today I met up with the Z fam, who I'd known for all of 10 days at that point, for what I could only hope would be an epic adventure. (and so begins the year of "This time last year I was in _______ doing _______ with _______.)
For a year, my only job was to love Jesus and love others. Oh, and make sure the 40 crazies traveling with me learned something and made it home alive. Check.
Now here I sit, in the midst of re-entry, living out exactly the plan and promise that I told so many people about.
Do I believe He is good? Absolutely.
Currently, I desperately long for community, to bring Kingdom with brothers and sisters in Christ, to see the dead raised and the sick healed and the captives set free. I know that I thrive on laughter and love and worship. I SO desire to live simply, which is probably why I adore life in the third world.
And honestly (because we can be honest here, right?) this isn't what my life looks like right now. I'm lonely, despite a wonderful roommate and parents who are incredibly loving and supportive and friends all over the country that are SO for me it's ridiculous.
As much as I wish I was re-entering with so much grace and ease, I'm not.
I cry myself to sleep at least 2-3 times a week for no real reason at all, other than all my emotions don't know where else to go so they come out my eyes.
I also cry at my desk quite frequently. I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I'm a strange hermit, but if I don't just turn off the lights and blare some worship music on my lunch break I fear I might melt into a puddle.
But I KNOW the truth. And I know that promise. He IS good.
It doesn't make this any easier. It doesn't make my heart ache any less for Africa, for red dirt and crusty noses and brown little hands grabbing mine. It doesn't make me miss Z fam or backpack life less. It doesn't make it easier to be here, a square peg in a round hole trying to fit back in to a life that just doesn't fit me.
But I know the promise. And the promise inspires HOPE. I KNOW my Jesus knows this heart He made and I KNOW He is faithful. I KNOW that it's so NOT about me and that He can use me any where He chooses.
and because of what I KNOW to be true, I'll keep holding on and trusting that even when I can't see it or feel it…He is GOOD.
You are more than
My words could ever say
You are Lord over all
Over all of my days
I will see this season through
I will fix my eyes on You
Only You
Only You
My words could ever say
You are Lord over all
Over all of my days
I will see this season through
I will fix my eyes on You
Only You
Only You
You are Able – Hillsong United
My Phi Lamb sister and World Race Alumni friend Emily Milroy married Mr. Ryan Beck this weekend! These two just radiate Jesus and the way they love each other is so beautiful. SUCH a gift to celebrate with sisters and Racers!!
W-O-R-L-D-R-A-C-E
Absolutely adore these precious friends!
