I was browsing through facebook and came across several statuses about the public transportation failing in Chicago. Growing up in Chicago, I know how frustrating it could be when the bus or train is late or they rerouted or decided to not stop at certain stops anymore. I decided to comment on one of them and all I was trying to say is this: try to find a way to be thankful in whatever situation you're in. I said something about how people don't have the same means of transportation and that there are people who walk miles to go to school or work – some people of which I met (although I didn't say that). Someone replied and said that people in other places of the world don't have nearly the same kind of transportation that Americans do, but that doesn't mean it exempts the flaws in the system of the CTA. I thought, understandable – but they were missing what I was trying to say. I sensed a little offense in their response so I backed off and didn't say anymore.
I say this to let you in on something I have been holding back on. Since being accepted on the race, I've had a hard time blogging the way that I've wanted to for fear of rejection and what others may think of me. I was thinking back on the facebook situation and thinking to myself, people are not going to understand me when I get back home from the race. People are going to misunderstand, reject and might even make me feel like a fool – that same feeling I felt when I was preparing to leave on the race. Now I still have a lot more money to raise to be fully funded by March and I'm thinking, I can't go back home. I don't want to go home. I don't have a church anymore, friends I had became acquaintances, my friends from college are all gone and all I keep thinking is: I will be so alone, so alienated from American culture, Christian culture in the states and will be misunderstood, rejected and be labeled as a charismatic believer – and I will only bare that name because I believe in the Holy Spirit and do as Scripture says instead of sitting in coffee shops with friends discussing what it says.
I am being completely blunt and honest with where I am at. I will have no shame because of it. I care too much about what people think of me – even in the slightest bit. I live and breath and do because of the Lord. What he does doesn't make sense to us all the time. What he asks of us is crazy to us, but who are we to say this is only one way the Lord works or that he can't do this or can't do that? If it is edifying the body of believers, if it is giving testimony to Christ as Savior, if it is pointing us back to Christ, his gospel, why then, am I afraid of saying what I've seen, heard and felt? It's a simple answer. Rejection…..from those I dearly love. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. In a sense, I feel like I have been forgotten by people at home (both Chicago and ISU). I've heard people say they pray for me, but sometimes I really do wonder if they mean it. I never hear from people enough.
If you personally know me and you're reading this blog, this can be considered feedback. I know you all love me, but I really do need to be reminded. I am spent. I am tired. I am discouraged. I'm sick. I have lice and somehow….somehow I am SO thankful to be here – to love the abandoned and abused children in this home. I know I could do a little more to keep you all updated, but you have to also give me some grace and know that I am doing my best.
I don't know how to end this blog. Here is the truth. Here is my vulnerability. Here is where I am at in my life.
